Results tagged “theft”

Normally our Asshole of the Week has done something to wrong groups of people: children, charities, whole cities—or, sometimes (actually, many times) they wrong poor defenseless puppies and kitties. But our socially contentious moralista Miss Erica M has the day off today, and I'm steering this wagon right down selfish hill. So, douche-monkey fuck-tard who swiped my bag at the Electric Factory last night, you're right up there with kitten torturers and SEPTA. Feel good about that, do you?

This week, we have a real set of winners. You know how on the Titanic, as it was sinking to its cold, watery grave, women and children were protected first? Because that's how the disaster cookie crumbles. In times of need, society moves to protect those who are deemed the least able to provide their own rescue.

This week was difficult. The investment bankers who so gleefully induced the collapse of the free market economy balked at the idea of a $500,000 salary cap for executives if their company receives government bailout funds. Who will pay for the bi-yearly vacations? The $15,000 dresses? At this news, we looked in our hands for sympathy and found only extended middle fingers. SEPTA continued its storied incompetence by printing the New York skyline on our beer week passes (but then they fixed it). Vince Fumo is still a jerk. There were so many contenders for Asshole of the Week, but as they say in Highlander, there can be only one. With that in mind, we bring you this lady.

A tall, icy glass of our favorite internet junk, just for you.

The best of the internet, squirted out in flavorful neon globules, just for you.

The shapeless dough of the internet, formed into tasty pellets and baked to perfection, just for you.

Another new writer today, folks. Please help us welcome Don Montrey, who is a comedian and a writer. He has no criminal record as far as you know.