Good Advice From a Bad Person

Dear GOOTA,

Thanks for writing. Sorry I had to edit your piece a little—anything in brackets is mine—this isn't Adult Swim here in my column quite yet. But I appreciated your vivid and impassioned description of Wal-Mart shoppers carrying on their lineage.

This isn't so much a question as a rant, albeit a rant close to my heart. I guess "why do families insist on grocery shopping together?" is the question. I can tell by the question mark at the end. So why do families insist on grocery shopping together? Probably because kids are brats and they will whine and complain and throw a tantrum if their parents bring home the wrong flavor of Gushers. And those parents are wimps indulging their beautiful, special snowflakes' every whim.

"Caleb, you know you can't have Pop Tarts, what with all that gluten ... ok Caleb, just this once. Caleb, stop yelling at me! Caleb, please stop! Fine Caleb, but your tennis instructor is going to hear about this, see how you feel about Pop Tarts during your grueling ground strokes drills. Okay, I am sorry Caleb. You're just expressing yourself. You're a beautiful snowflake. I'm so proud of you. Are you listening? Are you sexting again?"

So, basically, that's how it goes.

It's not just Wal-Mart, or other lower tier stores. In fact, I'd much rather be at Wal-Mart than Whole Foods. I feel like the Wal-Marts of the world at least inspire the human cattle subconscious and people move through them lifelessly but somewhat efficiently.

Oh, but what a fresh hell Whole Foods is. Abandon all hope, ye who enter the vegetable section of a high end grocer. It is like their brains die when they get around organic zucchinis. There is no urgency or desire to be out of that store. The customers at my local Whole Foods seem to be there to be there. They carry on long conversations that would kill anyone with functioning mental faculties or social graces, standing two or three abreast in the organic corn product aisle. I have never felt so Falling Down as I have in that gloomy pit of overpriced agrarian foodstuffs. You know, it's really great that you found a job despite your head of disgusting dreads, but I just want you to check me out instead of lecturing me on my non-reusable grocery bags. Thanks. Just for that, I'm getting plastic. I hope it chokes a goose.

Children, adults, Wal-Mart, Whole Foods, you can't win for losing. You really have no good options for this.

My advice to you is to leave all weapons in your car, try not to count the people's items in the fifteen-items-or-less lane, and pray to God Fresh Direct comes to your town soon.

I usually end these with a "I hope this helps," but this time I can't in good conscience. I know grocery shopping is always going to be terrible; just don't murder anyone.

Tony