Good Advice From a Bad Person

Dear "Your Favoritest Person Ever,"

You are not my "favoritest" person ever, because you aren't Evel Knievel; and my "favoritest" person ever would never use the word "favoritest." But hey, thanks for writing.

Are you a juggalo? This seems like a problem a juggalo would have. At least you aren't having problems with a ferret, people with ferrets creep me out. No offense, but, wait, I do mean to offend. That's exactly what I am going for. Sorry, but I have yet to meet someone who owns ferrets who doesn't creep the hell out of me. So if any of you out there who own ferrets don't practice some lazy, creepy form of Wicca, or don't own inappropriately leather articles of clothing, let me know.

Anyway, YFPE, you probably shouldn't kill your hamster or your roommate. Yourself seems to be the best option. Just kidding. Don't do that. You have so much to live for! Your problems really seem more general than specific here. But let me reiterate, NO SUICIDE.

Moths don't just magically appear around hamsters. They aren't hamsters' spirit totems or fairy god ... moths. The moths are there because you and your hamster are gross. I didn't do any research on this, but I bet the moths are into your hamster's poop. Which you don't clean. So your stinky, moth ridden apartment could probably use a good cleaning. I am kind of glad your ex-boyfriend didn't get you a dog. He'd probably have some creepy skin disease by now (the dog, not the ex, but hey, I'm not ruling that out either).

So, if you can't be bothered with rudimentary care for your animal, I'd move him and his poop moths back into your bedroom. That's only fair to your roommate. She shouldn't have to deal with your negligence and bitterness toward your ex which you take out on your hamster through hellish poop torture. Your roommate seems pretty blameless in all of this.

Once your poop moth hamster is back in your bedroom, you are going to have to deal with the wheel noise. It can't be that bad. Are you really that light of a sleeper? Maybe you should check under your mattresses for a pea. Or maybe you are losing sleep over this ex you miss so much. So, while you are tossing and turning and missing and pining, you hear your poor little neglected hamster doing the only thing that brings him joy in his sad little life, and blame him for your troubles. Poor guy. Maybe you can get him a new wheel? There is probably a less noisy model. But, given your track record of hatred toward this poor little mammal, I bet you aren't willing to spring for the deluxe wheel.

You should probably just donate the hamster to a middle school or something. Those brats love animals they don't really have to be responsible for. Hey, that reminds me of someone.

Hope this helps!
Tony