Good Advice From a Bad Person

Dear My Readers,

It's okay that you didn't write me a letter this week. If Tupac can forgive, then so can I. I will take this opportunity to dole out some general advice instead. Which is kind of appropriate, given that this will be my last column of 2010. And that writers across the internet do every gimmicky column trick at this time of the year. Sign me up!

My first advice is to write me more letters. I can't rely on my mom all the time. What I really love about this column is the chance to interact with (and make fun of) my readers. I can't make fun of you without your help. Everybody needs advice! Except me. I give the advice.

Next, get your style on point. 2010 was a pretty horrifying fashion year. It was 1971+1988+1994= YUCK. Are we really out of fashion ideas? Has it come to this? These things, begone: neon colors; ballet slippers; mustaches; any shirt on a male that has been bedazzled; any shirt on a male with skulls and dragons and Olde English typeface printed from neck to waist; bleached/torn/"distressed" jeans; jean shorts on fellas (even you, cut-off jean short hipsters); dopey hats on girls (hey girls, did J-Lo look cool? Exactly.); pretty much any male hair cut that cost more than twenty dollars, including mullets, faux hawks, anything that requires a flat iron, etc.; shirts that show too much man chest, cool it, Selleck; and lastly, mustaches, again. Wow, see what a bad fashion year it was? More jeans and black tee-shirts.

Next: Stop drinking, start reading. Facebook status updates about drinking outnumber Facebook status updates about reading one million to one. I counted. Hey, I am fine with drinking, just rein it in a little. Or at least shut the hell up about it. Were you totally wasted last night? I don't care, brah. What did you read last week? Oh, you read Texts from Last Night. How about a book? I know a ton of you got Kindles and iPads for Christmas; I want to hear about it. I suggest George Saunders. His short stories are truly beautiful.

Adopt a pet! There are so many lonely dogs and cats in this town. I was thinking earlier this year that none of my furniture was ruined, and I didn't have a single box full of cat poop in my apartment. So, boy were my prayers answered when my sister pawned Maury Povich the cat off on me. Really though, pets are awesome. PAWS! You won't regret it. Unlike your fashion choices.

Finally, make things. Make your food, make your clothes, make your furniture. Or at least customize those things. This will give you a hobby, a sense of accomplishment, and a creative outlet. There are so many resources out there. Check out Readymade magazine, I've been a subscriber for two years now. Beyond the great ideas and recipes I get from it, having it laying around my apartment totally impresses the ladies. Everyone loved my hand-made Christmas cards, and they weren't that much trickier than regular cards. But don't make cupcakes, they are totally played.

2011 is going to be a good year. Let's all do our part to make it a little more awesome.