Thanks for Four Years of Awesome
So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish
Blogged Around Philly: Farewell Edition
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Dear Tony,
I have this co-worker and friend who is twenty five years old. She is dating a complete loser who is ten years her senior. He has three kids with two different women, lives at home, doesn't have a car and whose hobbies include smoking pot and playing Xbox. He claims he was recently laid off from his job, a work from home IT position with a reputable drug company. Out of work since last December, my "friend" was pleased to announce he would be taking a position with a large financial institution. Immediately my (and my co-worker's) suspicions rose. After hearing he went home "sick" on his second day, we were convinced this was a ruse. Being in the financial world ourselves, we took it upon ourselves to do some undercover investigation. To our complete lack of surprise, there is no such, let's call him John Doe, employed at this company. As much as I would like the light bulbs to burst forth with clear illumination I am afraid there is nothing but a sputtering, dying fluorescent inside her head. How do you suggest I break it to her gently (or not so), before she ends up on an episode of Maury Povich or Jerry Springer?
Sincerely,
Not so Concerned Co-worker and Occasional Friend
Well NSCCAOF,
First off, leave the flowery imagery and metaphors to me. Quit trying to grandstand. Second, if you want to be so clever, you could have come up with an acronym that actually spells something instead of purpling up your letter.
My real concern here is you. You need to take a long look at yourself. The dude you describe certainly is a loser, you aren't wrong about that. And perhaps, by association that makes your faux friend a loser too. Which, uh oh, look out, you are now cavorting with known losers. You are nearing the precipice of loserdom yourself. My first advice, therefore, is to cut ties! Just steer clear of losers. What are you doing reading my column? This is a column for winners. Be careful, or you'll be reading Bros Icing Bros or Philebrity instead of this glimmering bastion of intellectualism and handsomeness soon.
A great way to cut ties would be to just link her to this here letter. I mean, if someone outed me like this on the internet, calling out my gross boyfriend and my sputtering intellectual capacity, I'd probably stop being their friend. That's what we're going for, right?
Now, to address your question. Sometimes, these things are better discovered than revealed. Aeschylus said "In our sleep, pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God." I think what Aeschy is trying to say is that if your friend is worthwhile in any way, she will realize that her main squeeze is a loser who is trying to play her. We all know that Aeschylus wrote extensively on his chief literary concerns, the Persian invasion of Greece, and players.
Since you are a little Nancy Drew, you can guider her to her discovery. Drop hints, cajole her into calling him at work, cut the brake lines of her car; any of these can help her on her own path to personal enlightenment. I can see that you care. And, while this kind of makes you a pussy, it is endearing. Help your friend, but not so much that it embitters her to you. Turning her against her disgusting lover will be difficult, and she will resist. You must go about this with caution. But, since she doesn't sound very intelligent, tricking her should be easy.
I hope this helps,
Tony
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