Good Advice From a Bad Person

Dear PHOBE,

Nice acronym. First up, I am beginning to really nail down my target audience. Cat-ladies to be, misanthropes, and, as evidenced again by today's letter, OCD germophobes. Basically I am the center of the Venn diagram between Lifetime watchers and an FBI serial killer profile. And some people thought nobody would like my column, ha! I just can't wait for my annual "Yes, seven cats is too many" column and my "No, I guess there is no way to be sure your neighbor isn't a government operative spying on you" column.

Today, for you, kind reader, I dole out two of my most tried and true pieces of advice: people are the worst and get over it. It's a two-pronged attack, if you will.

Prong one! People are the worst. They really are. People are cheap skates, free food will always be eaten. Why bother pushing a crumpled bill into a vending machine for a bag of Cheetos when they can have a handful of stale, regifted caramel corn for free? Most people would rather eat a free dog turd than a hamburger they have to pay for. Ohhh it's free? I've always wanted to expand my palette! Just go to Costco and see how long those free samples last.

People also have no concern for the people around them. Do I want my coworkers to see my cheap, filthy foraging? No. Does anyone else seem to care? No. People see no problem in descending on a plate of box-made brownies like carrion birds. They are so blinded by free food that they ignore the fact that they are getting their filthy hands all over someone else's free lunch. It's because they lead sad, sad lives and a Rice Krispie treat counts as a highlight of their week. Their souls are dead and gone and the only joy in their bleak lives is snack-dependent. Pity them.

Prong two! (Sorry if I've excited any of my readers with my vaguely food-related use of the word prong. Stop thinking about forks. Picture like a trident or something instead.) Get over it. This one is devastating in its simplicity. Get over it. If people eating near you is your biggest problem, you've got it good.

People need to get the hell over germs. First off, your chance of getting germs from food like this is relatively low, compared to the countless other gross things most people do. Second, germs are good. People need germs, people need to get sick once in a while. If you're an overprotected child that grows into an OCD adult, you're going to be one of those people that gets grown-up chicken pox and dies. So don't do that. I personally have very little concern for germs, I'll try your milkshake, I'll eat a free sample, I'll kiss your mother (heyo!)—and I'm fine. I rarely get sick. I have a hearty constitution.

The most pragmatic advice I can give you here: don't eat the food. I mean, that's pretty obvious right? Unless your problem is seeing other people being gross. If that's the issue then you need to stop worrying about other people's grossness and get a job that doesn't require you to work from the break-room. If you are working from a break-room, you probably have bigger fish to fry.

People are always going to be gross, you need to be able to deal with this, as it is unavoidable. You also need to get over your fear of germs, and if all else fails, just don't eat that gross, free food that people have so kindly brought for you to brighten your holiday. And hey, if you do get sick you can always call out from your terrible break-room job.

I hope this helps,
Tony

If you need Good Advice on holiday snacks, germs, strangers, or anything else write to Tony.