Good Advice From a Bad Person

Dear PG,

Thanks for the letter and the holiday wishes. For someone who hates strangers so much, you've written such a pleasant letter, with your compliments and well wishes. You must be one of those secretly-hates-everyone-but-is-way-too-nice-and-shy-to-say-anything types, aren't you? Well, with my help, maybe you can become one of the hates-everyone-and-makes-jokes-at-their-expense-subtly-so-they-don't-realize-it types. Why does PG mean pregnant to old people? That's not how acronyms work, 1950s.

You aren't like, fifteen or something are you? Maybe that's why strangers are bothering you, because you are another teen-aged, unwed mother. Babies having babies, man, babies having babies. If you are fifteen I would advise you to not have babies. And probably to stop writing to me. Thanks.

All other pregnant ladies and meek, anti-social women, read on.

The obvious solution would be to tell people you aren't pregnant when they ask. Isn't that some sort of stranger nightmare? "Hey pregnant lady! Yous all pregnant and stuff!" and then you say "Why no, uncouth hoi polloi, I'm just overstuffed as of late, I enjoy french fries and beers, thank you." Because talking about someone's fatness is way ruder than talking about someone's reproductive choices apparently. America!

But, as this is America, you'd probably rather have an awkward conversation with a stranger than admit, albeit falsely, to being too fat. So that's out. Perhaps you are too approachable. You can work on this. You need a pony tail, non-maternity clothing (definitely invest in some Juicy sweatpants), and a cigarette. You wouldn't talk to that pregnant lady, would you? Or at least your conversations will be lectures and not strangers disapproving at your lack of joy toward the miracle of life. And if you're that girl you can just say "You don't know me! You don't know my life!" That always works on Maury.

I know you don't want to be rude, but perhaps you should be. Pregnant women get away with a lot. You need to work on your 'I can't believe you have to audacity to actually speak to me' face. I have perfected it. It works wonders. If it doesn't work, sarcasm is the traditional way to respond to unwanted questions. "Oh yeah, I'm thrilled to have what amounts to an eight pound parasite living inside of, and wrecking, my body for three-quarters of a year." People hate being sarcasm-ed. It makes them feel stupid, and no matter how stupid someone actually is, they hate it being pointed out.

You may also want to try telling people you are a surrogate; pretending you don't speak English; drawing a big sad face on your pregnant stomach; abortion; faux over-enthusiasm; practicing unfriendly glares in your mirror; preemptively asking strangers if they are pregnant; or simply ignoring them.

This sounds like a bigger problem than people annoying you about your swollen stomach. Listen PG, we all hate nosy strangers, we just need to learn to deal with them appropriately. I have chosen making fun of them behind their backs and being glib. Find something that works for you!

I hope this helps.

If you need Good Advice on your reproductive choices, nosy strangers, or anything else, write to Tony.