Good Advice from a Bad Person

Dear STS,

Wow, that sounds terrible. I barely dream, so I can't imagine how crappy you must feel every morning. Tough times. Don't you get used to it? Isn't it kind of ho-hum after a while to see your zombie father devouring your shrieking mother's entrails? Don't you get bored of seeing your friends in a frenzied blood feast? I think I would. Maybe that's just me.

I remember when I was a kid I had this recurring bad dream. I was a new recruit of G.I. Joe (go Joe!) and we were fighting some giant ants. As we struggled against the ants, who were a more formidable foe than Duke had anticipated, Cobra swooped in to take advantage of our predicament. I was captured by the Cobra legions and forced into service. They made me do something that involved swimming (I was not a strong swimmer). Eventually I ended up battling a chef with six arms in a kitchen where the floor was falling away. Below this battle kitchen was a giant Octorok. This dream combined so many of my fears: giant ants (thanks Honey, I Shrunk the Kids), working for Cobra (never!), swimming, and apparently sextopus chefs and watery pits of video game rock-spitting octopi. I dreamed my worst fears.

Now that I'm a grown up, my worst fears usually involve late bills and people I care about being mean to me. Wow, I am lame. I'll take Cobra over PECO any day. The point is, you must still be terrified of horror movie stuff and being killed violently. I have a theory that your dreams are your brain off the leash. The more repressed your waking mind is, the more wild your dreams will be. When I do dream, it's about eating pizza or doing work. From this, I gather that I let my brain think of all the of wacky stuff it wants to during the day. My dreams are mundane because my brain doesn't really care to terrify me or fly or tame dragons because I do that all day anyway.

My advice to you is two-fold. First, you need to face your fears. You need to stare down these monsters and gory scenarios. Don't be afraid of that stuff, it's silly anyway. Look at me, I'm afraid of real stuff. The worst thing I wake up to is a desperate need to check my bank account and make sure I've paid my cell phone bill. At least I'm not calling my mom to make sure she hasn't been eviscerated.

Second, you need to let your mind wander. You need to daydream. I think you are repressing your fringe thoughts. When you're asleep, your brain's in charge. It is fighting you by terrifying you. Let him off the leash, let him do his thing during the day.

Or, you could find a gypsy or shaman. I am sure they have some talisman or charm or totem to fix this and ward off the evil spirits or golems or succubi or whatever the hell their particular adorable pseudo-religion dictates.

Get out of my dreams and into my column. Need some advice? write to Tony.