Good Advice From a Bad Person

Dear CHOOCH,

First of all, thank you. Thank you for finally fulfilling one of the wishes of every advice columnist: receiving letters from people with clever acronym names. The closest I've come so far is someone with a really long name that almost looked like it was FISHBOMB. But you finally give me an acronym, and what an acronym it is! I love that man. Wait, serious question: If Carlos Ruiz wrote me an email, letter, or postcard, would he sign it Carlos Ruiz? 51? Would he sign it Chooch!? A boy can dream.

Second of all, let me state unequivocally that the opinion of this advice-seeker is not shared by me. Girls, if you aren't smart or funny enough to come up with a good costume, by all means, bring the T and/or A. If that's your bag, don't listen to the haters. I'm sure there's a Christina Aguilera or Beyoncé line I could be quoting here that would seem very insightful to girls who dress "sexy" on Halloween. Um, shoot for the moon because even if you miss you'll land among the stars? Did Beyoncé say that?

I usually abstain from Halloween costumes, and just wear my sweater that vaguely resembles Freddy Krueger's. Two years ago, I had my sister paint my face like a "skull;" skulls are cool, right? Usually, unless you end up looking more like a scary Panda. Thanks, sis, I guess your BFA in painting doesn't extend to faces. I abstain not because I don't love Halloween, but because my costume ideas are usually wildly offensive, obscure, expensive, unwieldy, or too much work. Alas, the Halloween of gay Robocop remains a pipe dream.

Knowing little about you, suggesting a costume that suits you is difficult. My first idea was to have you answer your own question. Be Chooch. Be Carlos Ruiz, our hero. Then I realized that might be difficult to pull off, given your criteria. Plus, since I don't think you are Panamanian, being someone of another ethnicity is always a little dicey.

Moving on, I present you two options. For the first option, you'll only need to purchase one item. This will be a little DIY, but that seems up your alley. Go to a Halloween store, and buy a female mask, almost any will do. Take the mask, put it in the microwave for a while, and let it cool down. Put it on and ta-da! you're that woman whose face was bitten off by a monkey!

I came up with your second option influenced by your proclivity to dress as semi-obscure, male, pop-culture icons. You should be Glenn Danzig. And no, this isn't just an excuse to post that video. Or this one. It'll be a pretty easy costume to execute. You need greasy black hair, archaic black sideburns and a menagerie of Hot-Topic purchased gothic ephemera. I have a sinking suspicion a girl with such bitterness toward other girls who dress "sexy" on Halloween has a closet full of Ankhs and poison rings. Anyway, pull on your black jeans, buckle your comically over-sized belt buckle, tuck in your goofy, too-tight wolf or demon shirt and you're ready to go. Enjoy your night being Glenn Danzig. I know what you're thinking: Danzig is pretty sexy. Just remember, and remind people, that his name is Glenn, and that no one named Glenn has ever been sexy.

I hope this helps,

Tony

Need holiday tips or general Good Advice From a Bad Person? write to Tony.