Good Advice From a Bad Person

Dear Old,

Let's start with a story from my life. One fine summer day, I was waiting in line for ice cream from the Main Line's most delicious ice cream spot. It's always a human disaster there, with screaming children, oblivious parents, and bees. A little girl ran into my legs so many times I began to think she may have been blind. Turns out, she wasn't blind, just horribly parented. After she literally squeezed through my legs, and began to run toward the street, her parents lazily called after her. The mom, who was visibly rich and under thirty, called out to her as if she were her mani-pedi party companion, not her daughter. She said "Audrina, come over here please. Audrina, let's get some ice cream, does that sound fun?" Audrina. This poor kid's name was Audrina. She was named after a fake reality television star.

Wait, what? There was a point to that beyond "Hey, at least our parents were afraid of a nuclear apocalypse and not something as terrifying as children named after someone best described as The Vapid One from The Hills." The point is, it's your fault.

Well, maybe not yours specifically, or mine, but ours. Just like we, the Baby Boomer's babies, are our parents' fault. They made us sarcastic and techno-crazed. Their generation-wide liberalism turned us cynical first and judging second, third, and fourth. And now we're having babies. Horribly named babies.

It all makes sense when you think about it this way. We grew up in an age when we were all unique, special snow flakes. That's why we give our babies unique (read: stupid) names like Caleb, Tristan, Brittaneigh, Isabella (Oh God, don't get me started. But hey, two weeks in a row with a Twilight joke!). We grew up in an age with technology expanding and dodge ball disappearing as our love generation parents deemed it non-inclusive. That's why our babies get iPhones instead of workouts and participant ribbons instead of chores.

Sure, most of these kids are petulant and exhausting, but it's not really their fault. Did you really grow up with a desire to be coddled? Or was that instilled in you by your parents? Did you cry out when your Tee Ball team lost? Did you demand your parents stop keeping score at the next match-up? No! That was their idea! They thought we'd do better if we were all winners and our feelings were more important than weeding out losers. I know, that for whatever reason, I wanted to actually win, or at least be exposed to the fear of failing. Maybe my parents got that right—maybe they showed me that most of the time, you don't win. Maybe I'm one of the lucky ones. Don't blame the children, they know not the evils of their parents.

What I've done here is two-fold. First, following my logic, we can blame the next generation on our parents (another hallmark of our generation). Second, the only real solution to this problem is making some awesome generational warriors with good names, a competitive spirit and an aspiration to something higher than their middle school's fastest and least intelligible texter. I will rage against the dying of the light. My children will know winning, and losing. My children will have birthday cakes with gluten in them. My kids will catch colds, make fun of your kids' stupid names, and will be exposed to the crappy things and the great things this world has to offer. We need to fill this next generation out with some real people. So let's get on that. What are you doing later?

Are you terrified of the future? Let Tony assuage (or exacerbate) your fears. Write him to get some good advice from a bad person.