Thanks for Four Years of Awesome
So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish
Blogged Around Philly: Farewell Edition
Photoist
Dear Tony—I'm fairly sure the only creature on this planet awesome enough to be called my friend is my cat. Girls are fake and shallow, knives in their hands, ready to stab someone in the back. Guys are stupid and vain, legs cocked at the knee, ready to kick someone in the 'nads. My cat has never stolen from me or called me names. She's always listened to me and is a world-class cuddler. When we fight, she always comes back to my bleeding hands with a raised tail and a purr. I've never pictured myself stabbing my cat in the face with a butter knife (like the annoying girl at the next table over during dinner) or running her over with a trash truck (like the creepy guy throwing eyes at me at the bar). Is there a way to make real friends or should I just rely on my cat for companionship?
Sincerely,
Feline Friend
Dear FF,
Um, wow. Er, meow. What about the rest of Team Edward, aren't they your friends? Right now I'm tempted to run a checklist to see if you are an actual crazy cat lady, or just dangerously close to the point of no return. How many cats do you have? Do you have extended conversations with your cats? Do your cats have a favorite Fancy Feast? Do your cats have ridiculously long names like Mr. Reginald Fluffenstuff and Wigglebrain Van Der Puff? Or just human names? I always find that creepy. Oh, your cats are named Charles and James? Huh.
I am going to continue on and assume you aren't too far gone. Okay, so you don't like anyone? You shouldn't, anyone sucks. If you've read anything I've written, you know I can relate. I am hoping this is why you've written me, because you've lost all faith in people and turn to me as the bastion of hope and voice of reason in this crazy world of ours. Thank you, I'm flattered.
You've reached a fork in the road. You are fed up with people and now face a decision to continue you on as you are going (crazy cat lady who will die alone and unloved) or as I am going (charming curmudgeon who uses his misanthropy to entertain). Since I can tell from your letter you have a flair for the purple prose, maybe you too, can be like me. Stop writing vampire fan-fic and start a blog, ease off the cat sonnets and submit some articles to a newspaper.
We both know that girls are the pits, with their evil and conniving ways, and dudes are insufferable, with their dick jokes and subtle-as-a-fart-in-church courtships. You've come further than most in realizing this. But don't give up just yet, there are some people in this world who have all the I-hate-you-most-of-the-time charm as cats. Keep looking, you'll find some like-minded people, I promise. Or just go full blown cat lady, enjoy it while you can, and please stop contacting me.
I hope this helps,
meow, meow, meow,
Tony
Are you an on-the-brink cat lady? Do you have some boy-girl drama? Are you unsure of what path to take in life? Do you want to know if you're the father? Write Tony for some Good Advice From a Bad Person.
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