Thanks for Four Years of Awesome
So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish
Blogged Around Philly: Farewell Edition
Photoist
Dear Tony—Thinking about it, I've come to realize lately that I'm the kind of person who cries over everything. I cry when I watch movies. Songs make me cry (I mean, have you heard Justin Bieber slowed down?). Spiders make me sob. Tests make me tear. Occasionally, even knocking boots makes me blubber. There's a particular boy that I've enjoyed spending my time with lately, and when I'm not around him my tear ducts are reminding me that they're in particularly fantastic working order. Is there a way that I can keep myself from crying so that I don't look like such a whiny baby all the time?
Yours,
Hopeless Weeper
Thanks for writing HW,
I take no (some) joy in the irony that my advice here is almost certainly going to make you cry. I think I'll go back to the well on this one, and give you some of my favorite advice. Stop being a pussy. Seriously.
Some people cry a lot. I understand this. I also understand that I won't be friends with these people. So, if your letter was angling on getting on my good side and becoming friends with this handsome and charming blogger, you have failed. Nobody likes a crier. Nobody ever says: "OMG I just love Sarah, she cries so much."
I'm not one of those guys that says you should never cry, that's silly. You're totally allowed to cry if your parents die, or Joe Carter hits a walk-off home run to win the World Series and you are eleven. This was going to be a longer list, but you get the point. Crying should be important, it should be a reaction to a very dramatic event, not your way of getting attention or persuading someone to give you what you want. Maybe you cry all the time because your brain is broken and you are emotionally unstable. In that case, I'm surprised we haven't dated.
We're going to work on this. We are going to work on your triggers, which are apparently everything. Why do spiders make you cry? That's stupid. Anyway, you should probably just figure out everything in the world that makes you cry, and deal with it. Spiders, let's approach this, the stupidest one, first. Watch Arachnophobia, don't run away from the next one you see. I was watching some dumb TV show, and the doctor did something like this. So basically, I'm a doctor. You'll hang out with a spider, you'll cry, but if you do it enough, you'll get bored of crying and finally be a grown up.
You should probably also learn to rein it in a little. Next time you're getting misty, pump the brakes. Back off the drama queen posturing and have a little decorum. Real men want a women with grace and strength. We all like taking care of girls on occasion, but if we find you standing on a chair in the kitchen shrieking about a mouse twice a week, it might get a little tiring.
Here, I wrote you a haiku:
your face looks ugly like that.
Abra-cadabra.
Or, just keep being a pussy, and I'll take away your juicebox or put you in timeout next time your godawful blubbering gets in the way of me thinking grownup things.
Stop crying,
Tony
Good Advice From a Bad Person is a weekly advice column by Tony McKinley. If you want some of this excellent and mean advice, ask him!
add to digg
add to stumble upon
add to reddit