Good Advice From a Bad Person

Thanks for writing FIBOMSHBB,

Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Philly'a, where we lay our scene,
From ancient trends break to new mutiny,
Where uncivil douches make civil streets unclean.

I've always enjoyed a makeshift truce with our city's hipsters. I stay out of Bob and Barbara's and Sugar Mom's, and they stay out of my suburbs and don't hassle me when I need to trek through their turf. The truce is off.

This summer, hopefully the pinnacle, there were more two-wheeled nightmares than ever. They've made it to the suburbs. I see their second-hand single-speeds chained up outside my local coffee shop, I hear them pedaling furiously by, nearly starting a fire from the friction of the jeans they share with their Urban Outfitters-employed girlfriends. They litter the streets, they litter the bars, they even litter my one-stop Schadenfreude shop, Missed Connections. I can no longer enjoy the plight of lonely lovers with every other post being "I saw you in Rittenhouse, I don't remember what you looked like but you had the sweetest Aero and even Kanye didn't wear those sunglasses as well as you. Nice Deep V! write me back lol."

I say "no more." I say "no more!"

Ladies, say what you want about the appeal of their care-free lifestyle, the fact that your wardrobe doubles when you date one, or the thrill of riding down Market drafting the comely messenger; It's all a sham. Stop encouraging them. They need jobs.

What makes you different than a girl who dates guys who drive a Mercedes? Hipsters hate when you point out their contradictions. You love that gluten-free, vegan, free-range agave cupcake, but you drink PBR? Oh, it's ironic. Huh.

Wait, what was your question? It wasn't "Tony please go on a diatribe about the bike scene?" Crap.

My advice to you, neglected girlfriend? Participate in his passion. Get him some super sweet hub or something. Is that a thing? A bike thing? Wait, no, don't. Instead, throw his U-lock in the Schuylkill and throw his bike under a trolley. Do us all a favor. Or just wait til winter, where his attention will shift from biking to ironic snow hats, Yassir Arafat scarves, and you, you'll be granted a respite. Soon we'll all be granted a brief respite from their smells and swerves and swills with the coming winter. Until then:

Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things;
Some shall be pardon'd, and some punished:
For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Tony and his hippest foe.