Good Advice From a Bad Person

Dear Celtic Drags,

First off, I think I might have nailed your problem, you're a dork. Celtic Drags? Like a Celtic dragon? I can't tell if you're some three-wolf-moon-in-a-non-ironic-way nerd or if you have really bad tattoos, but either way, that's probably why women don't love you.

Second off, I used that picture of a sad dog for you. Get it? You're the sad dog. Plus, who wouldn't read an article with that picture attached to it. I win! I mean, we both win!

Dismissing you as a nerd isn't going to cut it though. I should take you at your word that you are attractive and a "great listener." And I'm sure you are, but to be honest, that's never enough. This is going to be tough to hear, but she doesn't want you. She complains to you about her husband because you are non-threatening. You are a non-entity when it comes to the universe inhabited by people who will see this particular pretty dog-park lady naked. Unless maybe she changes in front of you as she's getting ready to go on a date with a guy who probably isn't a very good listener. She'll do that, because that's how non-threatening you are.

After years of painstaking research and genuine reflection, I can't tell if girls really don't know what they want, or the powerful female racket wants us to believe they want something different than they actually do. But I do know this: good listener, thoughtful and kind are not the qualities to score the most desirable women. Sure, these are fine qualities that will help you in a relationship, but they aren't the qualities you should be emphasizing. I'm not going to give you the typical be-mean-to-girls, pick-up artist advice. Sure, this can work, but most guys aren't smart enough to pull it off. And it's a shallow and insulting oversimplification of what actually does work with women. Leave that approach to Mystery.

I feel for you CD, I really do. Pining for a woman, seemingly unattainable, but with some scant whisper of availability, is the pits. We've all been there. My best advice to you is to give up on this one, it looks like you are fighting a losing battle. She's married and she's already established that you are her close friend. Girls don't make out with their close friends, despite what you want to believe about slumber parties.

If you insist that she's the one for you, and you must give it a shot, you can try two things. First, keep being Prince Charming, also known as Prince Wimpy Friendo. I know you think this will work, you'll eventually send her flowers, or make her a mix cd, or make some other grand gesture that will make her make the "awwwww" face. It won't work. That's the same face she makes at puppies. Girls don't want to date puppies, just hang out around them so they aren't crushingly alone when watching Sex and the City reruns. So yeah, that's out. Second, be the guy she wants. Be confident. Make her believe you don't need her, but it might be fun to have her around on your sexy and harrowing adventures. That's the kind of guy she wants. Good luck with that.

I hope this helps,
Tony

Good Advice From a Bad Person is a weekly advice column which relies on your problems. If you want some good advice from a bad person, write to Tony. Seriously, write to him. He gets lonely.