CinePhillyist Reviews... The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Team Edward? Team Jacob? Team That-Regular-Dude-Who's-Just-Trying-To-Get-Through-High-School-Unscathed? If you don't know your allegiance just yet, you should probably stop reading and go rent the first two to figure it out.

Part three of the teen vampire saga continues with Eclipse. Edward and Bella return to the big screen, still just as desperately in love as they were before. Only this time, with talk of sex and marriage. Or rather, marriage and then sex. Because Edward is old-school. Get it? Because he's old? Get it? We got it, Twilight. We're also a little curious what vampire/human sex is like in Twilight-world, though after last week's True Blood episode, we kind of need a break.

Eclipse opens with Bella reading Frost's "Fire and Ice" and Edward proposing to her (sans a ring—WTF, Eddie, you can't propose without a ring). Bella gets all, "I don't believe in the institution of marriage, but I so deeply and truly love you and want to be a vampire with you for the rest of my non-blood-pumping life" and her dad is all like, "Say what? You're 12!" and Edward's all like, "I'll protect you forever" and then Jacob's all like, "Just admit that my abs are hot, Bella. Tell me you want to kiss me" and then Bella's all like, "Wait, can't I just love everyone?" (Though she's probably just mostly pissed about a proposal without a rock.)

Then vampire psychic Alice has a vision of the crazy redhead named Victoria coming back to avenge the death of her lover and another vision of an army of newborn vampires set out on destruction. And newborn vampires aren't like newborn babies. Newborn vampires are pretty much just dumb brutes with a whole lot of strength and a super thirst for blood. Luckily for the Cullens, Jasper knows how to fight newborns because he used to be a general for the Confederate States of America and then he was a general of his own newborn army. So Jasper teaches everyone to fight, which makes up for attacking Bella over that papercut before. But, alas, the Cullens can't figure out who is the Grand Master General for this new army of vamps and thanks to Alice's visions, they know they are outnumbered. Insert vampire/werewolf fight here. Insert gag-inducing Edward Cullen romantics here. Insert Jacob's abs, sparkle bodies, swank graduation parties, and the Volturi here.

Let's stop for a minute and get real—no one goes to see Twilight for the Oscar winning writing or acting. You go because you love summertime flicks in the air conditioning with clear cut good guys vs. bad guys and deliciously cheesy dialogue. And you probably have a sick lust for Taylor Lautner's abs. Talk about a Situation.

And so, Eclipse delivers just that. Bella continues her gross inner turmoil of whether she wants Jacob or Edward and if she wants to live a life with blood in her veins or blood in her drinks. Edward continues to wax sweet poetics into Bella's ear. Jacob continues to refuse to wear clothing and is just so damn charming that he continues to make Bella's decision a hard one. There's even a fight scene that sounds like a two year old in Momma's china cabinet to top it off.

In short, Bella is in danger. Bella punches someone. Bella kisses someone. Bella is conflicted. Does Jacob even own a shirt? You already know what you're going to get with Eclipse. At least those guys are consistent.