Phillyist Interviews... Author Daniel Nester

I should warn you: I've been reading Interview Magazine this evening to prepare for our chat.
I usually poop when I read that.

Seeing the magazine makes you shit? Or did you mean that you usually read it while pooping? As a professor of writing, you should probably choose your words more carefully.
I am usually on the toilet when I read Interview.

That is much clearer, Professor Nester.
It is you, kind reviewer, who interpreted Interview magazine = laxative effect. Which may be true.

I think it's more masturbatory than scatalogical. And on that note (in true Interview fashion), let's rewind a bit to the first time I met you—you were doing a reading at the Kelly Writers House to promote your book, God Save My Queen. Your mother was in the audience...
Yes, Patty.

And you read the "Bohemian Rhapsody" prose-poem, which ends with you masturbating (in the poem, not at the reading). Are you in the habit of inappropriate public behavior in your mother's presence?
She taught me well. I mean, our family uses humor as a crutch. That's for sure.

What does she think of the new book?
I think she likes the stuff that talks about me. She couldn't care less about what my thoughts on, say, the implications of video games or highfalutin topics like mooning.

What a perfect opportunity for a segue!
That's just what I was thinking.

You have an entire chapter in HTBI dedicated to mooning ... do you remember your first moon?
Probably playing a game in grade school called Ass Ball. Do you know what that is?

Not a clue.
It involves throwing a bunch of boys throwing a tennis ball against a wall. And if you miss it, you get a letter: A, then S, then S. And then you walk up to the wall, bend over, and the other boys line up to throw [the ball] at you. Well, I was angry about the ruling that gave my my second S, and I mooned everybody before assuming the position.

Sort of a homosocial spin on playing HORSE.
Exactly. With Catholic clip-on school ties.

So, what kind of moon was that?
Dropping Trou.

Classic.
Yep. The missionary position of mooning.

While we're on the topic, I have a question about the mooning section of the book, because it seems to me that something is missing: the goatse.
OK, I'll bite. What's that?

Urban Dictionary defines it as: "A disgusting picture of a man stretching his anus extremely wide. One of the oldest jokes on the internet is to link the picture to internet forums and chatrooms, renamed to look like something else like 'happybunnies.jpg.' Often causes people to freak out." It's a classic web 1.0 meme, and a pretty unpleasant one.
So it's a red-eye with gapping, except it has an online, Rickroll-inspired component?

That seems like an apt description. Perhaps for the second edition of HTBI?
Yes. How to Be Inappropriate II: The Quickening.

I like it!
I do know I missed some mooning varities. But 90 is a start. And I don't think I label it a "complete" list.

Certainly not! Just like the timeline at the end of your book is, by no means, a complete timeline of your inappropriate acts. In fact, I can think of a few omissions to which I bore witness.
There's only so many pull-my-fingers you can put into one timeline. Call it composite characterizations or fart games.

Any omissions you particularly regret?
You know, I sent out an email to almost 100 people, telling them I was compiling a list of all my inappropriate acts, and could they send ones they remember to me. I told them to hold nothing back, fire away. And people did.

Yes, I remember—I was on the receiving end.
As it were.

Ba dum ching. (I noticed you didn't include any of mine, by the way.)
I think there was a lot of overlap. So maybe that was a reason? Also: Some I did not include because I eventually want to write full-on pieces. For me, sometimes you need to narrate a scene to really explain what happened. Otherwise, it's just too, like, Tucker Max or something.

Is it hard to be the most inappropriate person on the campus of a historically Catholic college?
Oh, there are more inappropriate people than I there. I just find my historically Catholic college to be an excellent foil in so many ways.

Any anecdotes of inappropriateness at St. Rose that you'd like to share?
No. I may be inappropriate, but I like to have a job.

I didn't say that they had to be your anecdotes, but I'll shift the line of questioning anyway. It does still relate to school, though.
Sure.

Several sections of HTBI are laid out rather academically: you have points and sub-points; you use footnotes. You also document, um, scientific research that you have undertaken. how do you reconcile your overall theme—that is, all things inappropriate—with the more academic format that you sometimes use to convey it?
The short answer is I don't attempt to reconcile it, because I think there's nothing especially to reconcile.

The longer answer is I think the very things you're mentioning—the numbered points, the lettered subpoints that appear in a couple essays in the book—are the very techniques that helped me figure out the way to write about these subjects. Take "Revising the Footlicker," for example. I wanted to write about that for years. But it was only after dividing and numbering the subjects and tangents did I get something out of it I thought was finished.

Right—I remember seeing that years ago, in a very different version.
Yep, you did. And it was getting there, I think. But the numberings help me organize my thoughts. And, I hope, help the reader a bit.

There's a theme of faux academic stuff throughout, and the numberings are just one manifestation of that.

The footnotes, too—which you've used in earlier, much less academically-styled writing (I'm thinking again of GSMQ). Was that in keeping with the faux academic theme, or do you just like footnotes?
I do. I can't lie. Some people hate 'em. I read Anthony Grafton's history of the footnote, and I loved it.

I'll have to check that out; it sounds awesomely nerdy. And speaking of nerdy: HTBI contains robots, video games, Star Wars and other things that can, I think fairly, be associated with nerd culture. Do you think there's an intersection between the nerdy and the inappropriate?
Well, I know there is for me. To be nerdy is to be safe, surrounded by one's creature comforts. I say this in the mooning essay, that it's only when I feel most comfortable, most happy and at ease, would I personally moon someone. It's a gesture of affection. I think to be nerdy is to be inappropriate in some way.

Do you think you're as inappropriate as you used to be, now that you're a dad?
I've regressed already, and I look forward to more regression.

My oldest daughter Miriam walked up to me when I was in the shower, pointed at my groin, and yelled "Daddygina!" That's awesome!

They grow up so fast.
I don't think I'm the first person to say that everyone is an artist when they are a child.

When your daughters start to date—you know, in 30 years—will you terrorize their boyfriends with inappropriateness?
I will terrorize them, yes. After I put a chip in their brains to track where they go.

Maybe plant one of your special HTBI whoopee cushions in an unfortunate location?
I have those remote-controlled fart machines you can get in novelty shops. They're the next thing.

One can only hope!
One dream I have is to be a fartriloquist.

Is that kind of like the talking asshole in The Naked Lunch?
A cousin.

What I think is interesting about farts is how often they were referred to in poetry, at least when people cared about it—poetry, I mean. And then it kinda disappears.

Yes, you have an entire section devoted to select fart references in poetry.
Fartspottings.

Exactly. Did you go in search of the farts, or did the idea come to you when you noticed a trend?
It was simply the desire to collect them, at least at first. And then I started to draw some conclusions. That fart references changed over the hundreds of years I study. At first, the references are rather broad humored, and then the farts get kind of tucked in. Silent, still deadly, but alluded to.

It's something everyone can relate to.
Well, I emailed a lot of my poet friends—my remaining ones, I mean—to give me tips of fart references in poetry. And many of them told me not to mention they knew of these poetic farts. So there's some reticence in the poetic community about being fart-positive.

I think they've got it wrong—maybe if more poets wrote about farts, more people would read poetry. Is there room for a Will Ferrell in the poetic landscape?
There is room for many Will Ferrells.

But will they be accepted by all those New York poets you write about?
In a word: No.

Well, it's getting late ... so let's switch from Interview Magazine to Inside the Actor's Studio an conclude, as we always do, with the Proust questionnaire, as perfected by Barnard Pivot.
Sure. Cos daddy's fading.

What is your favorite word?
Vagesticle.

What is your least favorite word?
Incomplete.

What turns you on?
Coffee.

What turns you off?
Mouthbreathing hipsters.

What sound or noise do you love?
My daughter's laugh.

What sound or noise do you hate?
My own snoring.

What is your favorite curse word?
Fuckwad
.
What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Guitar god.

What profession would you not like to do?
Grade SAT essays.

And finally: If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"I put in a good word for you."

Isn't this the part where we take questions from the acting students?

Why, are there some in your office right now?
I hope not. You think I am in my office? I am on my recliner, watching So You Think You Can Dance on DVR.

Daniel Nester Reads How to Be Inappropriate
Friday, December 4, 7 p.m.
Brickbat Books (709 South Fourth Street)
Free

Saturday, December 5, 3 p.m.
Marlton Barnes and Noble (200 West Route 70)
Also free