Sparky and Snarky

Dear Sparky and Snarky,
I met this guy online a couple of months ago, and after chatting for a few weeks we decided to meet up. The date itself was lots of fun—we talked for hours over drinks and dinner and there was definitely some good chemistry. One thing led to another, which led back to my place and some hot and heavy action. Oh, now might be a good time to mention that I met this guy on a fetish site; he was well aware of my penchant for rough sex and more than happy to oblige. The problem is, it got a little too rough for me. OK, a lot too rough. And he wouldn't stop when I asked him to. I haven't seen him since (this was about two weeks ago); all we've done is trade some rather awkward emails. Why do I feel guilty about this, and what should I do?
-Black & Blue

Dear B&B,
I subscribe to the Lady Gaga school of thought as well: "Baby, when it's love if it's not rough it isn't fun." OK, that might be a little cheesy but it brings me to my first point, which is that if it stops being fun, it needs to stop, period. And no means no. Let me just say that again: NO MEANS NO. If this guy didn't stop when you told him to, whether that was before you got naked or after you were already humping like rabbits, it's not just rough sex—it's rape. It's your call whether you want to report it as such. Since some time has elapsed, it might be harder to prove your case, but I still encourage you to consider it. Perhaps talk to a counselor about your options. Beyond that, nix the emails. You have no reason to feel bad or guilty about what happened, and no reason to stay in touch with someone who obviously doesn't respect you. In the future, make sure you are crystal clear with your partners about your limits before the games begin, establish a safe word for good measure, and avoid situations that leave you particularly vulnerable (like being tied up) until you know and trust your partner. Play safe!
xo, Snarky

Dear Black & Blue,
Snarky is completely right, you said no, he didn't stop, that's rape. I hate to say it because I know how it hurts to acknowledge that; but the fact is, it has happened to an awful lot of us, male or female, queer or straight, and the more we talk about it, the better able we are to get through it. Take it from me, you're going to want to find someone you can say it out loud to, more than once, and if those people are the police, that's not a bad thing. If it's a therapist, that would be a really good thing. For your own sake, don't let this fester and don't tell yourself you're "fine." When someone takes control from you, the only rememdy is regaining control; talking about it and getting some help is the most proactive, healthy way to do that.

Feeling guilty is a pretty natural reaction. You're almost certainly blaming yourself and therefore feeling bad for being upset with how things went. You may well be telling yourself that you "weren't clear enough" or that you "wanted rough sex, so how would he know that no means no?" I'll tell you what, everyone, especially folks who are into BDSM, know that no means no. Unless you have a safe word, and then that means no. The point being, you always have a means to say no and the other person has to treat that as mandatory. Even when playing rough, when everyone pretends the top is in charge, the truth is that the bottom is in charge because they have the power to stop everything. If he ignored that power, he's not a top, he's a criminal. You weren't unclear and just because you were playing rough doesn't give him a pass; you have nothing to feel guilty or bad or awkward about. Stop talking to him, block him if you can, get him as far out of your life as possible (again, take it from me). And start giving yourself a chance to process this and get through it; please, talk to someone other than a pair of internet advice columnists. We try, but one email exchange isn't going to give you the tools you need to feel safe again.
Take care,
Sparky

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