Sparky and Snarky

We've gotten a few questions about Hallmark's favorite holiday (that would be Valentine's Day), and rather than answer them all individually we thought we'd give you our list of V-Day DOs and DON'Ts.

If the relationship is new (within 2 months), DO something small and intimate to celebrate Valentine's Day, but DON'T try to plan a romantic weekend away—unless you want to scare your new significant other or set a precedent that leads to getting engaged within the next six months.

DON'T plan a first date on February 14. Yes, it's a Saturday this year, and yes, you've been chatting with that hottie online for two weeks. But do you really want to be surrounded by couples staring deeply into each others eyes and playing footsies under the table on your first date?

DO something different for V-day: go take your partner to one of the many V-Day showings of The Vagina Monologues, pop champagne at a total dive bar for a change, or suggest a night of bowling and dinner—bring those fake battery-operated tea lights for your candlelight, and challenge each other to dress like true bowlers would.

If you know your significant other is the schmaltzy, sentimental type, DON'T take the previous piece of advice—go the more traditional route instead. DO go out to dinner (or make them a special dinner) and get them a card and flowers. You could also take them somewhere more romantic, like ice skating at night at the RiverRink.

DO consider writing a letter expressing your feelings rather than picking up a cheesy card.

If your partner-in-crime is the romantic type, and you decide to get them sexy (hardly counts as) clothing as a V-Day present, DO be sure to get something a little more emotionally intimate to give to them earlier in the night. Surprise them with the pasties and edible undies when it's bed time.

DON'T expect the sex to be especially amazing just because it's a holiday. If you want it to be extra-special, DO put some extra effort into it (new setting, new position, new toys, etc.). Be creative, but DON'T set the bar so high that you set yourself up for disappointment or performance anxiety.

DON'T, under pain of death, ignore Valentine's Day—even if you hate it. If neither of you like it (or if you're single), do something to mock it. Have an anti-Valentine's Day, because trying to pretend nothing is happening while the rest of the world is schmucking it up means you lose out on a great opportunity for hilarity.

And finally, DO watch this two-part documentary about "objective sexuals," people who have loving (and sexual) relationships with inanimate objects. It'll make any relationship problems you have seem trivial.

Got questions about sex, dating, or relationships? Then we've got answers, whether you like them or not. Send your short but informative queries, complete with clever signatures, to sparkyandsnarky@phillyist.com and wait for the magic to happen.

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