Asshole of the Week

Some parents send their children off to school with apples, and others write lunch box notes professing love to their embarrassed progeny. Some send their precious monsters off with Lunchables, the food-like product that will outlive us all, laughing it up with the Twinkies and the cockroaches. But some parents apparently send their kids to school with drugs.

Yes, Robert Parks's child went to Delaplaine McDaniel Elementary carrying packets of heroin. Five children passed the drugs around in gym class, one apparently thinking the powder to be candy. He tasted it but then immediately spit it out, to which we say good job little dude. Heroin is gross. A teacher saw the passing of the non-pixie powder and called in the school nurse, who called in the police, who had the children taking to CHOP for observation. Police Lt. Frank Vanore said of Parks, "I don't think he cooperated with the investigation. He didn't tell us where he got the drugs from." Of course not.

Despite your best efforts, the children are fine, but Robert Parks, you deserve to be the asshole of the week. Maybe you thought you'd fly under our radar because we already dinged a couple parents in this column for letting their kids go to school with crack last year, and so we wouldn't bother with your story. You thought wrong. And perhaps you ought to rethink your marketing plan. While you're in jail. Elementary schools should never have to put the emergency-hey-that-kid-has-heroin plan into use.

Image credit: Flickr user Irargerich