Return to Sender: Lap-Land

To the random guy for whom a friend and I accidentally purchased a lap dance at Delilah's:

You're welcome, but I feel like I should explain what happened.

A few weeks ago, right before Christmas, I found myself, along with Ross and two other couples, at Delilah's. (I wrote about stripper tipping for Monday Manners based on that evening here.) We were all in the holiday mood, aided greatly by the very friendly shot girl, so when we saw this very, very, very awkward (we're talking too awkward for Beauty and the Geek here) guy sit down nearby us, all by himself, the Christmas spirit overwhelmed us. One of us—I don't remember who, but it was probably me—said "He looks like a guy who could use a lap dance."

One of the other ladies in the group, who had gotten to know the shot girl a little better than I had, enthusiastically agreed. Unfortunately, Bill Gates, Jr. chose that moment to get spooked by something, got up, and headed for the other end of the bar. We decided to covertly (or, as covertly as we were able in a strip club) follow him and wait to cross paths with a dancer, to whom we'd hand the appropriate amount of money as a gift to Louis Skolnik.

All was going well. We found a dancer whose mad pole work we'd admired earlier and ascertained that she wasn't busy. We gave her the money and pointed toward her... is client the right word here? But it was the pointing that foiled us. You see, you were walking right toward us at that very moment, so as we extended our arms in the direction of the dance recipient, you blocked the dancer's view. She only saw us pointing to you. We tried to correct things, but she grabbed your hand so quickly and led you into the back room that we couldn't catch up. (How anyone can move that quickly in stripper shoes is beyond me.) Unbeknownst to us, we had been standing near one of your friends, who began to laugh. We pointed out the person who was supposed to get our impromptu Christmas gift, and told him to encourage you to pay it forward and make sure the dude did indeed get a dance.

I hope you earned the karma points and did the right thing by Duckie, but we left soon after the lap dance debacle, so I don't know for sure. And even if you didn't, well, a happy belated holidays to you. I hope we helped make your Christmas just a little bit brighter.

Image Credit: Flickr user bretneilson.