Sparky and Snarky

Dear Sparky and Snarky,
I've got a prudish roommate whose bedroom is right next to mine—you could basically say my bed is three feet from hers. My girlfriend and I like to have loud sex, but we're not rude so we turn on the radio, fan, etc. and we keep it quiet for her sake. Yet she'll still come knock on my door asking us to keep it down; talk about killing the moment. I haven't got a lot of shame, but my girlfriend feels bad, so we try to squeeze in sex when she's not home, which isn't nearly often (or long) enough; I'm dying here! How do I get to have regular sex again, or even better, sex that's not on mute??
-Shut Down in Lansdowne

Dear Shut Down,
I feel for you; no one should be kept from loud nights full of sex. Luckily, you can make several improvements to the situation. Start by moving your bed; unless you live in a closet of a room, you can get further away from your roommate—more sex is worth screwing up the feng shui. Next, xmas is nearly upon us; get a really nice card, a CD of soothing ocean sounds and thunder, and wrap them up with a pair of soft, workshop-grade earplugs. The card should read, "You're an awesome roommate and the only thing that could make our place better is my being able to have loud, bi-weekly sex. You rock, but the grrl and I need to roll. Happy Holidays!" Hey, you said you haven't got a lot of shame, right? But seriously, this is a conversation you need to have; even if you limit it to, "Can you let me know if you're going to be out for a whole three hours at a time? Because I really need to get laid more." Unless you're ready to move, or soundproof your room (they have wall panels for that), you need to have a talk with your roommate.
Good luck,
Sparky!

You could always invite her to join you. Or get a ball gag and some ropes or handcuffs—not for your girlfriend, but for your roommate. Either way, she'll probably be looking for a new place in no time, and you'll be able to have all the headboard-banging sex you want. But if you like this roommate (and I'm going to assume you do, since you're living with her and apparently haven't considered moving out yourself), maybe you could rustle up a few dates for her so she's too busy getting busy to bother you. Or, hey, do the deed at your girlfriend's place sometimes and give your roommate a break.
xo, Snarky

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