Countdown to 2009: Top Ten Rejected Names for Adolf Hitler Campbell (aka Get Thee to a Foster Home)

Every weekday of December (except for December 25, that is), Phillyist will be counting down to 2009 with our highlights from the past year and our predictions for the next. If you have a list you'd like to submit, let us know!

Surely by now you have all read (perhaps on this very site?) the story about the Campbell family in Holland Township, who gave their kids such pleasant (and oddly verbose) monikers as JoyceLynn Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie. Oh wait, you don’t read stories about filthy hatemongers who stain their children by giving them names that reflect their own sickly perverted worldview? OK. Well anyway, evidently they got angry when a ShopRite near their (ahem) bunker refused to personalize a birthday cake for their oldest spawn, Adolf Hitler Campbell. Personally, I did not come here to criticize this supermarket for not agreeing that the customer is always right, or to air my view that these mullet-rocking Nazi freakazoids should be drawn and quartered in the public common. No, I am simply here to reveal a document that was provided to me in the greatest of secrecy by the completely fictional Pennsylvania Department of Baby Naming. So here it is, the Top Ten Rejected Names for Adolf Hitler Campbell:

10. Osama bin Ambulance Chaser Campbell
9. Dahmer Amin Stalin Telemarketer Campbell
8. Torquemada Hussein Waterboarder Campbell
7. Progresso Chunky Minestrone Campbell (They enjoy soup; who knew?)
6. Oswald Sirhan Booth Insurance Company Campbell
5. Rove Cheney Bush Limbaugh Campbell
4. Stained For Life Future Juvenile Delinquent Campbell
3. Save Time And Arrest Me Now Campbell
2. Better Not Get Pulled Over By Any Jewish Cops Campbell

And the Number One Rejected Name for Adolf Hitler Campbell:

1. Terrell Owens Campbell

Image courtesy of flickr user vagawi.