Across the Ist-a-Verse
Dear Sparky and Snarky,
After a happy hour where everyone got a little too happy, I had a drunken threesome with a girl I'm dating and one of my friends. Now the two of them seem kind of into each other. Things hadn't gotten serious between her and I yet, so it's not like we're exclusive or anything—what should I do?
-Three's a Crowd
Dear TaC,
Get over it. Seriously. If you liked the girl that much, you wouldn't have suggested she sleep with your friend. And don't blame it on the bottle, either. I bet your willingness to share—and the fact that you seem more confused than upset by this—means you've got other stuff going on with other ladies. Am I right? Oh, wait... you can't talk back. Anyway, I suggest you walk away from the situation and let them sort out their feelings (or lack thereof) for themselves. If they end up together, you'll get the credit for hooking them up during a champagne toast at some future wedding. If they don't, you can always try to coerce one of them into a threesome with someone else. Just make sure it's not someone you actually like.
xo, Snarky
Ouch, Snarky. Down, tiger, down...
TaC, when you realize that you feel hurt about this (because some part of you does), understand that that's almost certainly your pride talking and not your affection for the grrl; no one wants to come in second. Snarky does have a point that you probably aren't that into the grrl. Whether you decide that we're wrong and you do want this grrl, or you decide to entirely avoid the drama which is brewing, the means to the end is the same. Walk away. If you think you might still like her, leave it open-ended so she can approach you (people give chase as you pull away, after all); if you don't want her, or you think your friend does and you want things to remain cool with that friend, then walk away and be firm but very gracious about it. That'll make the wedding toast less awkward.
Sparky!
Got questions about sex, dating, or relationships? Then we've got answers, whether you like them or not. Send your short but informative queries, complete with clever signatures, to sparkyandsnarky@phillyist.com and wait for the magic to happen.
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I really don't get your responses. So there are feelings between the girlfriend and the other person? What's wrong with that? They are both people that the writer chose to sleep with so they probably both have redeeming, if not attractive, qualities. Why conclude that just because there are feelings that, 1) the writer will be left out in the cold, 2) is a shmuck player who deserves what s/he gets or 3)is only driven by her/his ego anyway and doesn't really care about either of the other people?
Why not conclude that, if there are feelings there, that they like each other and because they both clearly like the writer (evidenced by having had a threesome)there might be MORE threesomes in the future. That sounds pretty good!
Come on, stop assuming the worst of people and basing your conclusions on a model of scarcity. . . i.e. “if someone gets more, I get less.” Adults don't have to operate like that. In fact, the fun ones simply refuse to do so because, frankly, it only leads to hurt feelings and less tail. And who wants that??
So torontoist is shutting down,
and phillyist can gloat in this fact by posting meaningless drivel?
psshht
I think this advice is total shit. Really pisses me off that just because this guy had a threesome with someone he's dating he must obviously not be that into her? wtf kind of bullshit is that? Seems like he might trust her with his kinky ass? Maybe they both really like threesomes with another dude and they'd be fools to part. I wonder if the third had been a girl if you all would have the same "well you must not like this girl" outlook.
everyone involved should, i don't know, talk to each other like mature adults that had sex. you know he could ask her if she wants to date him or the other guy...these are conversations you need to be able to have when you have threesomes, esp with your friends. maybe she does like the other dude more, maybe they all like each other.
in conclusion: boo to everything ya'll said.
I think it's interesting that chriscos assumes the question is coming from a guy. TaC's gender is not actually identified as such. In fact, the friend's gender isn't clear either.
Well, folks, here's the tricky part. When you only have very limited information, you can't ask questions, and you only have so much room for a response, sometimes the sanest course of action (and I am not calling Snarky sane here, but she's no dummy, that's for sure), is to give advice that will save the most people from the most struggle.
So, what we do know:
1) TaC isn't yet serious with this grrl.
2. TaC didn't actually say he/she digs this grrl, which is a very telling omission in this kind of question.
3) TaC had a threesome that involved a friend and is now worried.
4) If this were a more normal occasion for TaC, she/he wouldn't be asking us what to do, so it's safe to assume that TaC doesn't do this often, if ever before.
5) Friendships are paramount and you must be MORE careful with them when sex is involved.
6) TaC is asking because he/she has started to have the third-wheel feeling; I doubt that TaC is making that up without cause.
I'm all for people getting more tail, and let me tell you, Snarky would actually like to mandate more tail into some kind of legislation. However, out of every three people, even three people having drunken, casual threesomes, there is probably one person (if not three) who has hang-ups about kink. Ergo, TaC's wisest move is to back away slowly and leave the door open graciously - or close it softly depending mostly on what the friend's vibe is. If TaC gives that room and finds that the grrl (and the friend too perhaps) follows her/him, then more threesomes can indeed ensue.
Really, it's about not simply pressing when buttons are delicate. Sometimes giving breathing room is the best way to find out what everyone really wants.
Thanks for the thoughtful comments, I'm sure it's useful for TaC to get more than two perspectives.
Cheers,
Sparky!
ummm, my guess is that "Snarky and Sparky" make up their own questions that they then answer. Am I right? Or, where do you get your questions? How does one submit a question to "Snarky and Sparky"? If I can ask a questions, I'd like to know why you are so sex-negative, think everyone is out to get everyone else, everyone is selfish, relationships don't work out and people can't communicate maturely. And, since I'm asking, why is that bitterness some how entitles you to this platform? And since went did "snark" become a poor substitute for wit? Please, for the sake of your readers, love yourselves -a lot- and please assume other people want to love you and stop projecting your insecurities masked as some kind of half-cooked urban wisdom.
Ummm... to answer your question, there's an email address at the bottom of every post.
So it is, thanks.
I don't think we're sex-negative at all. I for one am very sex-positive. I have quite a lot of sex (possibly too much lately, if there is such a thing). I enjoy it with plenty of people (sometimes several at once) and pretty much every way you can imagine. And I encourage everyone to do the same, within their own personal limits. I've even worked in the sex industry in several capacities, all of which were rewarding in their own way. And Sparky is one of the most sex-positive people I know.
As for assuming that people are selfish, immature or vindictive... well, some of them are. And when people are writing to Sparky and me, it's usually because someone's being one of more of the above. When everything's coming up roses, you don't ask internet advice columnists what to do. There's no bitterness here, just a slightly absurd sense of humor--which I find one must have to navigate the pitfalls of dating, mating and relating in modern society.
We get plenty of questions from readers, but we do choose to answer the ones we like the best. Sometimes that's because they're funny or sound particularly urgent, and sometimes it's because they'll probably appeal to a wide range of our readers. As for submitting your own question--which I encourage all our readers to do--just send it to the email address that appears on every S&S post.
xo, Snarky