Phillyist Framed Returns!
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Whole Hog Is All Heart
Well, this Phillyist was going to write a nice little article comparing the Phillies and Rays at each position and determine who has the edge. I had this idea yesterday, but decided to hold off a day on writing it. Unfortunately, the Inquirer already wrote it this morning and I am, as Lao Tzu once said, “shit out of luck.”
So, instead I’m going to evaluate the positions on completely made up criteria that has no bearing on baseball whatsoever and completely tilt it towards the Phillies. Sound like fun? No? Shut up and read the column.
Catcher: Carlos Ruiz (PHI) vs. Dioner Navarro (TB)
This matchup comes down to names. Carlos Ruiz seems like such a cool Spanish name and it rolls off your tongue almost as easy as “Pedro Gomez”.
Dioner sounds like one of Santa’s reindeer.
Edge: Phillies
1st Base: Ryan Howard (PHI) vs. Carlos Pena (TB)
Ryan Howard looks like pure, funky soul brought to life and made to play baseball. His plate setup is cool and his swing is sweet. Plus he has two first names and is a distant cousin of Richie Cunningham.
Edge: Phillies
2nd Base: Chase Utley (PHI) vs. Akinori Iwamura (TB)
Chase Utley spends his free time saving kittens and puppies. Akinori Iwamura eats babies.
Slight Edge: Phillies
3rd Base: Pedro Feliz (PHI) vs. Evan Longoria (TB)
While “Pedro Feliz” roughly translates to “Happy Peter”, since the sex change and the decision to leave Desperate Housewives for pro ball, Longoria has been hitting a ton and he/she has been playing phenomenal defense.
Gender Bending Edge: Rays
Shortstop: Jimmy Rollins (PHI) vs. Jason Bartlett (TB)
Will the reigning MVP and emotional leader of their team please step forward? Not so fast, Jason. Thanks for coming out.
Huge Edge: Phillies
Left Field: Pat Burrell (PHI) vs. Carl Crawford (TB)
This picture.
Shirtless Edge: Phillies
Center Field: Shane Victorino (PHI) vs. B.J. Upton (TB)
The Flyin’ Hawaiian. Cool nickname that rhymes.
also:
Shane Victorino is from Hawaii. B.J. Upton is from Norfolk, Virginia.
Roast pig and pineapple at a luau or the appetizer special at the Norfolk Applebee’s?
Delicious Edge: Phillies
Right Field: Jayson Werth (PHI) vs. Rocco Baldelli (TB)
Neither of them have spontaneously combusted…yet.
Edge: Even
Pitching Rotation: Cole Hamels, Brett Myers, Jamie Moyer, Joe Blanton (PHI) vs. Scott Kazmir, James Shields, Matt Garza, Andy Sonnanstine (TB)
Cole Hamels is married to a Playboy Playmate. Jamie Moyer skipped school to go to the 1980 Phillies parade. Joe Blanton (in his day job as a plumber) got a shout out by John McCain.
Edge: Hamels (seriously, look at his wife!)
Bullpen: Brad Lidge (PHI) vs. The Entire Assembled Armies of Heaven and Earth, Including the Archangels, Seraphim, Cherubim, and Grant Balfour
Close one…especially with the Cherubim…but,
BIBLICAL Edge: Phillies
It’s all so simple when you look at it like this. Might be a series for the ages. Prediction: Phillies in 7.
Image Credit: Flickr user cfyoung4
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Yeah, Phils in 7. Definitely not going to be an easy series on the nerves.
Thanks Mike - finally a sports article I completely understand - lol
Thank God, someone finally explaines the ins and outs of baseball in a way everyone can understand. Now it all makes sense. Me and my angel can now go to Applebees in Norfolk (with my Playboy tucked in my back pocket) and watch the rest of the series (flipping to Desperate Housewives during commercials) with complete comprehension of the matchups of these two teams.
Great article Mike!
I think spontaneous human combustion is about the only thing Baldelli HASN'T had to deal with.
Maybe he's due.
Great Article.....too funny...I ask you: "Why can't the Boston Herald have a sense of humor like this?"
Still thinkin' the Phis take the next three. Those orange eating Rays are due to implode.