Asshole of the Week
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CinePhillyist
CinePhillyist Reviews... The Men Who Stare at Goats
On Sunday I attended my second ever NFL game. The first game I attended was the Giants at the Redskins. The outcome of that game was inconsequential to my overall enjoyment of the matchup. I liked neither the Giants nor the Redskins. I don’t even think I really enjoyed the experience. It was mainly a function of the ridiculous drive that has to be made in order to reach FedEx Field (the home of the Washington Redskins). It is wholly inaccessible via public transportation (aside from manufactured ‘shuttle’ bus routes). It was cheap for Dan Snyder to build a stadium out there so he did it.
But I digress.
The fans there were completely ridiculous. They continually berated Giants fans with showers of curse words and poorly thrown beer cups. The game meant nothing! Add to that the fact that we were surrounded by children and their parents who came to the game hoping to have a good time devoid of any shenanigans. No such luck.
I expected it to be worse at the Linc on Sunday. Eagles v. Steelers will always be full of intensity. Every Pittsburgh v. Philadelphia sporting event is. (Well, aside from Phillies v. Pirates.) I was pleasantly surprised. The folks sitting next to me accepted me and my Steeler fan-dom. We even talked about what kind of season we should be expecting from our respective teams over the course of the next 13 games. I didn’t catch their names, but I would call them "good dudes."
My only disappointment was with the drones who were entering the stadium at the same time as my friends and me. One spectator noted in observation of a fan wearing a Pirates hat, "Hey, nice hat. ‘P’ stands for ‘Pussy.’" This was clearly a very astute observation.
This dude was wearing a Phillies hat.
Noting the inherent stupidity of his statement, I said, "You’re wearing a Phillies hat, man. It has a ‘P’ on it, too." The only rebuttal he could muster was, "you’re going to come at me with a red beard!" Apparently, he did not notice the idiocy of his statement, nor did he think of himself as open to scrutiny by a Steelers fan (or a dude with a red beard for that matter).
That is my only complaint. Well, other than the caning of Ben Roethlisberger that took place on the field on Sunday.
But, if you’re a Phillies fan you can look forward to the National League playoffs. You have that going for you.
If you’re a Pirates fan, well, ‘P’ stands for ‘Pussy’ and you probably won’t be getting any.
At least not in Philadelphia.
Onto this week’s picks after the jump.
TITANS (-5.5) over Vikings
Consider me sold; I’m buying the Titans. Their defense is out of its mind—even if it features a dude who stomped on another dude’s face…with cleats. That’s what football is all about, though. Mindless violence. Minnesota, for their part, features the league’s best run defense, but would you run the ball when the team you’re playing also has one of the top 10 worst pass defenses? Probably not.
Broncos (-9.5) over CHIEFS
Kansas City is pitiful. Defensively. Offensively. All around. They’re pitiful. Denver has scored 114 points over the course of the first three weeks. In 2008, some team called the Patriots also scored 114 points over the course of their first three weeks. Warrants mentioning. Unfortunately, Denver’s defense has given up 84 points in the first three weeks. It certainly puts a lot of pressure on the offense to score points when your defense is swiss cheese. Apparently, Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall are up to the task.
49ers (+6.5) over SAINTS
J.T. O’Sullivan. Say it with me: J.T. O’Sullivan. Now say what it sounds like (and this is borrowed from ESPN’s Talented Mr. Roto)—a cheesey Irish bar (probably closest to McFadden’s, only the girls aren’t as hot). Drew Brees is running out of quality targets for his passes. Marques Colston is still out. They just lost Jeremy Shockey. Their #1 receiver is now a dude who plays running back. It’s not going to work well this week. This also goes against my ‘West Coast team travels to the East for a one o’clock game’ corollary which is: Anytime a West Coast team travels to the East and loses 2 hours or more, they’re not going to play well.
I will mention, however, that this blew up in my face last week when Oakland nearly beat Buffalo in Buffalo.
JETS (-3) over Cardinals
J-E-T-S. Jets. Jets. Jets. The Jets have a surprisingly good defense. Arizona is on the road for the second week in a row. They did not even return to Phoenix for the week. They stayed in Tyson’s Corner, Virginia, and practiced at Catholic University in Washington, D.C. They’re taking an Amtrak train to East Rutherford this weekend to play on Sunday. You can’t be more uncomfortable entering a game than this, can you?
Packers (+1) over BUCS
Can someone check and see if Brian Griese’s arm is still attached to his body? He threw 67 times last week. The Pack are looking to bounce back from a tough loss to America’s Team on Sunday night. Combine those two and I think Green Bay recollects their bearings and rolls.
PANTHERS (-8.5) over Falcons
Atlanta is not very good. Sure, they’re 2-1. Think about this: they have a rookie QB, a first year starter at RB, a new head coach. Carolina just got Steve Smith back last week and the Falcons have a weak defense. Something tells me that Jake Delhomme is going to light up the scoreboard at home in Carolina. Just don’t cross Steve Smith; he will punch you in the eye socket.
JAGUARS (-7.5) over Texans
Jacksonville is good. Houston is bad. It’s really that simple.
BENGALS (-3.5) over Browns
I honestly had no clue in this game, but after watching how the Bengals hung tough against the reigning Super Bowl champs I have to give them the nod. Cleveland has no clue who it wants as its starting quarterback. The situation in Cleveland is falling apart faster than Brad Pitt and Frances McDormand’s efforts to sell ‘confidential shit’ to Russia in Burn After Reading.
Chargers (-7) over RAIDERS
When your team’s owner’s existence can be described as a ‘Bernie Lomax scenario’ it is never a good thing. When your head coach’s job is considered ‘week-to-week’ it is an even worse thing. The only thing the Raiders have going for them in this game is that it is at home. That won’t even matter because they are that bad. They will be owned.
Bills (-9) over RAMS
According to Aaron Schatz at Football Outsiders, the Rams are the worst team that they have come across in the history of statistically tracking teams. Counter that with the fact that Buffalo is actually good (which was somehow lost in last week’s squeaker against the Bernie Lomax-owned Raiders).
Redskins (+13) over COWBOYS
Thirteen points is a lot. Especially in a game against division rivals. Washington’s offense has looked very quality this season. Of course, so has Dallas’s. Jason Taylor will miss Sunday’s game for the ‘Skins. But, again, thirteen points is a lot. Against division rivals.
BEARS (+3) over Eagles
I know, I know. The Eagles whipped up on my Pittsburgh Steelers last week. I was there. I saw the blood on the field. Let’s say Westbrook is out (he probably will be). Let’s also say that Donovan McNabb isn’t 100% (he may not even play). Do you think that the Birds can put it together with a less than healthy quarterback and a back-up running back? Chicago’s defense has returned to prominence this year. It’s also in Soldier Field. This has letdown game written all over it.
STEELERS (-7.5) over Ravens
What’s the best way to recover from a terrible loss to an in-state rival? Whip the crap out of a division rival on your home turf. Joe Flacco has not faced a defense like the Steelers defense. He will need to change his pants at least three times at Heinz Field on Monday Night Football. Oh yeah, it’s also MNF in Pittsburgh. Do you know the last time the Steelers lost on Monday Night Football? Me either. It hasn’t happened since, like, ‘Nam or something. Or since Terry Bradshaw had hair.
Boom. Outta here.
Week 3: 7-9
Season: 23-23-1
Image Credit: Flickr user Jayel Aheram
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fed ex sucks. dan snyder superdooper sucks.