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Now What?
The NFL peeves me in a number of ways, but nothing peeves me more than its most ridiculous rule: "Unsportsmanlike Conduct" penalty for excessive celebration. It's absolutely unnecessary. The NFL is, after all, an outlet for entertainment; the least the league could do is justify those outrageous ticket prices and offer the fans some true entertainment. That's not to say that the games never entertain, but the Dallas/Cleveland game was not entertaining last week, but that's because it was a bloodbath. In case you missed it, upon scoring a
touchdown, Dallas's most prominent wide receiver imitated mounting a sprinter's starting blocks and then took off upon hearing a non-existent gunshot (who knows, it may have happened inside of his head). This resulted in a yellow, sand filled bag to be tossed high into the air and a kickoff from the 15-yard line. Did this act of entertainment warrant a 15-yard penalty? I don't think so and you'll be hard pressed to convince me otherwise. It's entertaining; it's entertaining in the way that Chad Ocho Cinco's Riverdance celebration was entertaining, or how his faux-Hall of Fame jacket was entertaining (though not an end zone celebration). It's funny. Chad Johns–, er, Ocho Cinco knows how to entertain. Not only that, but he's good at what he's actually paid to do: catch leather spheroids. There is nothing taunting about an end zone celebration and more often than not it doesn't "show up" anyone involved. Most often, it accomplishes what it aims to do: entertain. People laugh. Unfortunately, there are those who react like your mother would if your grade school principal called home saying you were eating one of your classmate's boogers. (See: Joe Buck's reaction to Randy Moss "air mooning" the Green Bay crowd in 2005.)
There is a place in the NFL for entertainment and joviality. Otherwise, it's just a bunch of overpaid dudes taking a fun game too seriously. I'm not implying that all caution should be thrown to the wind when it comes to celebrations; certainly, they should be tastefully done. (Admittedly, the Randy Moss "air moon" wasn't the best idea for a "celebration," but it also didn't warrant the coronary Joe Buck suffered as a result.)
At any rate, that's where I stand on end zone celebrations. For 'em.
Moving right along...
If you missed the Birds game last week you were probably better for it. Nothing is more boring than watching a good football team beat up on what looks to be a high school Junior Varsity squad. It was a bloodbath. It's hard to gauge anything from a win like this, especially when there were so many question marks entering the season. For example, is the receiving corps competent or was the St. Louis defense just that suspect? Probably a little of both. DeSean Jackson (6 snags for 106 yards) looked solid in his first professional game. To me, he certainly had the best day of any Eagle. It's hard to enter the league as a rookie wide receiver and have success in your first game (although, fellow rookie Eddie Royal of the Broncos also flipped that notion on its ear with his 9 catch/146 yard game). To that end, I'm not drinking the Hank Baskett/Greg Lewis Kool-Aid. Fortunately, after he disappoints for his 4382842nd time as an Eagle this Monday in Dallas, I won't be drinking the Reggie Brown Kool-Aid either. (And even up until this point, I've never touched the stuff.)
In preparation for this column, I read one article that mentioned the T.O./Donovan drama. It does beg the question, can something even be called drama when it involves the most apathetic Eagle and the most instable Cowboy? (With all due respect to Adam "don't call me Pacman" Jones.) It seems as though T.O. thinks #5 made him the wideout he is today; Donovan, for his part, declined to comment on what goes on inside of Terrel Owens's semi-warped mind. I'll go ahead and say it: he made Donovan awesome in 2005 if for no other reason than he finally had someone who would catch the ball when he threw it to him. Enter DeSean Jackson. I'm not saying he's the next T.O., because you'd stop reading immediately and say I was out of my mind.
Without further ado, onto the picks.
HOME TEAMS in caps.
Eagles (+7) over COWBOYS
I'm not an Eagles fan so this could be considered a reverse jinx, but it's not because I don't think they will win—I just think they'll lose by a field goal. I realize my audience is probably 87% Eagles fans and I'm probably losing any base I have, but let's not delude ourselves here. It's in Dallas. It's hard to win in Dallas. It's hard to win in Dallas when the Cowboys are good. This is one instance where I have sipped on the Kool-Aid. You'll see them playing in February against the Steelers. I do think that the Eagles will advance to the NFC Championship game. Warrants mentioning.
Titans (+1) over BENGALS
Good news: Vince Young has reaffirmeded his full commitment to the Titans.
Bad news: Vince Young was in a position to reaffirm his full commitment to the franchise that's paying him millions of dollars.
Either way, not even this is going to get the Bungles a win.
On another note, do you want to know what annoys me? When people call the "Bengals" the "Bangles." It's not 1986. They're not walking like Egyptians.
Colts (-2) over VIKINGS
In a must win game for both teams something tells me the team who has won the Super Bowl and has had playoff success in the past two decades is probably the one that will prevail. I know the Vikings have a strong run defense and offense. I know that the Colts have a terrible run defense. I also know that Peyton Manning studies tapes relentlessly. He'll be out of his shell this game. He'll be huge. They'll win.
PANTHERS (-3) over Bears
I can't get past the fact that the key to Chicago winning this football game rests solely on the shoulders of a rookie running back (Matt Forte) and a dude with a neck-beard (Kyle Orton). Although, they did it on the road last week as well. Lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place.
Falcons (+7) over BUCS
*Gulp* Excuse me, I was just drinking the Falcons Kool-Aid. Now watch as I slowly wither away to nothing. Not so fast, the Falcs won't win this one, but it's going to be close. Thank you, Brian Griese. Here's to hoping that Matt Ryan can produce in some way to give my desperate fantasy squad a boost.
Saints (PK) over REDSKINS
Did anyone watch Jason Campbell attempt to run a West Coast Offense last Thursday? He looked like a child who wandered into the middle of a movie...Shut the fuck up, Donnie!
Bills (+5) over JAGUARS
Buffalo's defense is much improved this year. Jacksonville's offensive line is crippled with injuries after last week's game. This one might not even be close. Marshawn Lynch is going to run rampant; Trent Edwards is going to make you temporarily forget he's Trent Edwards. David Garrard is going to spend so much time on the grass we're going to start calling him Carl Spackler after Sunday's game.
Another name-related note: Do you want to know what also annoys me? When people call the "Jaguars" the "Jag-wires." Seriously, listen to the pronunciations here.
LIONS (+3) over Packers
Just as quickly as the Aaron Rodgers era begins in Green Bay it ends in Detroit with the resurgence of The-Trap-Game Era. The Lions have no business being favored by three points in this game. There's no way the Packers cover this game unless Vegas changed its currency to bratwurst without me knowing.
Giants (-8.5) over RAMS
See: Eagles 38-Rams 3. The Rams are now the world's worst show on turf. Not only that, but they have zero viable treats at wide receiver outside of Torry Holt. Torry Holt is going to see more double-teams than Vincent Chase* in a Mexican cabana.
*I would have linked to "Vincent Chase," but if you don't know who he is your internet access should probably be revoked. Immediately.
SEAHAWKS (-7) over 49ers
Sure, Matt Hasselbeck has no one to pass to. Sure, he's related by marriage to Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Sure, he's got a bulging disc in his back. Eventually, something has to go right for Matty. That something is J.T. O'Sullivan on the road facing the infamous 12th Man in Seattle.
Dolphins (+6.5) over CARDINALS
Count me among those drinking the Ricky Williams Kool-Aid. Or should it be smoking the Ricky Williams blunt? Either way, he's going to run all over the place. Chad Pennington is going to throw two touchdown passes to Anthony Fasano and the Human Paraquats (my fake football team) are in for a big week. Not so much for Kurt Warner and his gang of merry pranksters.
JETS (-1) over Patriots
The Patriots have zero secondary. No one. In case you haven't heard, the Jets have Brett Favre and he holds every major passing record in NFL history. This isn't going to go well for Bill Belichick. In other news, it will be their first full game without Tom Brady. Although, I think that Bill Simmons's head has already exploded.
CHIEFS (-3.5) over Raiders
The only game that could be worse to watch than this one would be Raiders v. Rams. Fortunately, that doesn't happen this year. Kansas City is historically strong at Arrowhead Stadium. Oakland was historically terrible against Denver in Week 1. I can't think of a worse game to watch on television. DirecTV should just put up a screen in place of this game that says, "If you're still a fan of one of these teams, please call 1-866-NFL-SHOP to claim the bereavement gift for your team's 2008 season."
BRONCOS (+1.5) over Chargers
Home underdog. They looked sharp against the practice squad (read: Raiders) on Monday. Brandon Marshall is back. Shawne Merriman is out. Norv Turner has finally caught up with San Diego. It took longer than we all expected, but Norv-ball is back!!
Steelers (-6) over BROWNS
If gambling was legal, I'd tell you to package this with the Bills (+5) in what those in the 'biz' call a two-team teaser. I know it's Cleveland. I know it's a big game for the Browns. I know it's in prime time. I also know what I saw last week against the only other team in the NFL better than the Steelers. In the end, the Pittsburgh defense is too much for the Browns and the Browns defense is not enough for Big Ben, Hines Ward, Santonio Holmes and Willie Parker.
Ravens (+4.5) over TEXANS
In a game that was moved from its originally scheduled date and time, there are more than a few things here that don't bode well for Houston. (1) Most of the city has picked up and evacuated, leaving behind a scant fan base. (2) Those who remain are willing to face a certain death and I'm not sure whether that's going to be as a result of Ike or watching the Texans struggle. (3) They looked putrid against Pittsburgh last week. (4) Baltimore's defense looks more like it did in its heyday than it did last year.
Good news, though, former University of Delaware quarterback Joe Flacco gets his second NFL win. Kudos, Joe.
That's all I've got.
Boom. Outta here.
Last Week: 10-6-0 (I picked the Giants, but didn't include the W in last week's column)
Season: 10-6-0
Image Credit: Flickr user Jayel Aheram
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