I am one of those poor, sad, desperate fools: a Star Wars fan. I've seen all the films many, many times (the prequels keep getting worse every time, though I try to pretend they don't). I own them all, some in various different formats and editions. I also own (and very much enjoy) both volumes of the original Clone Wars animated series that aired on Cartoon Network some years ago. I even, God help me, own a copy of The Star Wars Holiday Special, one of the worst programs ever to be broadcast on television. So when I heard there was not only going to be a continuation of the Clone Wars animated series, but also a live-action Star Wars TV series, I was excited. And when I heard that the "pilot" for the new animated series would be released in theaters as a feature-length film, I was even more excited. Certainly this meant we would finally get another really good Star Wars film, a film we wouldn't have to be ashamed of. Right?

Sadly, not quite. Star Wars: The Clone Wars, like all recent Star Wars films, has many impressive action sequences, many striking visuals, and a plot that, at least when summarized, is generally pretty interesting. And of course it takes place in the beloved Star Wars universe, featuring many familiar characters, spaceships, and weapons from that universe. But also like all recent Star Wars films, it has some pretty questionable story elements, a lot of very bad acting, and a lot of truly cringe-inducing dialogue.

This Clone Wars is actually, rather confusingly, set somewhere in between the first and second volumes of the original Clone Wars animated series, and somewhere in between episodes II and III of the prequel trilogy. It opens deep in the middle of the titular wars, with Generals Anakin and Kenobi trying to recapture a planet from the Separatists (who, if you've forgotten, are those dangerous rebels, led by the Dark Jedi Count Dooku, who are trying to overthrow the Republic). During a break in the battle, a Padawan (which is sort of a learning permit Jedi) arrives, and Anakin discovers with shock and displeasure that he will be expected to look after her and train her. Obi-Wan and Yoda are hoping the extra responsibility will convince him to buckle down and fly right. (Of course, we all know they're wrong, but let's pretend we don't.) The Padawan is named Ahsoka Tano, and she's a spunky little one who's determined to prove to Anakin that she has what it takes to be a Jedi. Their relationship is contentious, with her calling him "Skyguy," and him calling her... some equally stupid nickname that I can't remember at the moment, and the two of them constantly disagreeing on how things should be done. But of course, underneath their endless bickering is a growing bond of friendship and mutual respect.

As soon as their first adventure (the recapture of the planet from the Separatists) is over, they're asked to undertake another: it seems Jabba the Hutt's son has been kidnapped, and they have to find and rescue him. "But isn't Jabba a criminal and a villain?" you ask. Well, yes, but he also pretty much owns the space lanes, so the Republic has to stay on his good side if they want to be able to move supplies and win the war. So off go Anakin and Ahsoka on their rescue mission, with Obi-Wan and a horde of clones providing backup. But there's more to the kidnapping plot than is at first apparent. And Dooku and his deadly apprentice, Asajj Ventress (introduced—and subsequently killed off—in the previous animated series), lurk in the shadows, waiting to strike.

Sounds promising, doesn't it? And if the same writers from the original Clone Wars had been working on the screenplay, and some decent actors had been reading the lines, perhaps this would have been a really good film. Instead, the new screenwriters have provided us with dialogue that is for the most part atrocious, and many of the voice actors, most of whom are unknowns doing impersonations of the actors who originally played their characters (with the notable exceptions of Samuel L. Jackson as Mace Windu, Anthony Daniels as C-3PO, and Christopher Lee as Count Dooku), deliver these terrible lines with wooden inefficiency. James Arnold Taylor's sleazy, smug Obi-Wan Kenobi is hard to take, but perhaps the worst offenders are Matt Lanter as Anakin Skywalker and Ashley Eckstein as Ahsoka Tano—which is kind of a problem, as they deliver most of the dialogue in the film.

Another unsettling thing about the movie is the way the clone army is treated. Sure, they're all just clones, and you could theoretically always get more of them. But on the one hand there are pains taken to individualize them (with Anakin palling around with a particular clone whom he refers to as Rex, and Obi-Wan having a similar relationship with a clone named Cody, who also appears in Episode III), and on the other, the Jedi never (with one exception) have any problem letting hordes of them die trying to do something that a Force-user could probably have accomplished with a wave of his hand. In fact, the movie is surprisingly violent, and the war is often treated as little more than a big video game for the Jedi, which is upsetting given that the film is clearly targeted at children.

Also upsetting (at least, to me) is the fact that this is the first Star Wars movie distributed by Warner Bros. and not 20th Century Fox (I've associated the Fox logo and opening fanfare with Star Wars since I was a child), the first Star Wars movie with someone other than John Williams doing the music (it's Kevin Kiner instead, and his work is not nearly as thrilling and evocative as Williams', although the inclusion of some heavy guitar rock on the soundtrack during some of the fight scenes ended up being surprisingly effective), and the first Star Wars movie without an opening crawl (instead we get an opening narration, which for some reason is read in a really corny announcer voice by Tom Kane, who also provides the voice of Yoda).

Of course, there are some bright spots. The comic relief sequences in the Star Wars prequels were often particularly bad, but here those scenes—especially when they involve battle droids—are surprisingly funny, though they still sometimes feel a bit unbelievable and out of place. And any movie with lots of giant sci-fi battle scenes and laser sword fights between guys with mind powers can't be all bad (the battle fought while the good guys are traveling up a vertical cliff-face is particularly exciting, imaginative, and memorable). Still, as a Star Wars fan, I found myself having the same painful thought sitting through this film that I have whenever I sit through the prequels: this all could have been so much better.

Image via ComingSoon.net