Larry Mendte: A Totally Whack Hack Attack

Maybe you forgot about it in the wake of the DHS mess, but let us remind you.

Keystroke Logger: A keylogger, sometimes called a keystroke logger, key logger, or system monitor, is a hardware device or small program that monitors each keystroke a user types on a specific computer's keyboard. ~Search Security

Anchorman: A broadcaster (as on a news program) who introduces reports by other broadcasters and usually reads the news. ~Merriam-Webster Online

The definitions look rather uncomfortable when placed in such close proximity, don't they? It's safe to say that if Alycia Lane met Larry Mendte in a dark alley these days, she'd treat him like he was a New York cop. But is he la-mendt-ing his decision to monitor her email with the same microscopic vigor that some soccer moms levy on their teenage daughters' MySpace and Facebook accounts?

We could quote the countless stories, published in print and on the web, and broadcast over the same airwaves these two former uber-anchors used to pepper with their pre-written quotes and quips. For instance, Legalbrief Today mentioned this morning a Computer World report from late last week about the legal ramifications of email snooping that named-dropped Mendte. We could even remind you about his days as a funnyman. But let's look at the actual charges as filed (PDF).

The account of Mendte's alleged no-nos starts on page two and the title alone is enough to get one steamy—at least until the last two words: "The History of Unauthorized Access to Alycia Lane's ____ _____." Filling in blanks has never been so much fun!

It turns out that "Lawrence," as only his mother and the Eastern District Court of Pennsylvania call him, accessed Lane's email over one hundred times a month for five months. Once, he checked her inbox as late as 3:11AM, from his residence. What the hell is a man his age doing up at 3AM? Oh yeah, hacking.

He passed some leads onto the Daily News and, eventually, he got caught. The question is, why bother looking at another talking head's email? He wasn't selling the leads. He wasn't leaking them to some high-traffic gossip site. He was reading this stuff obsessively, the way we hope you read Phillyist. With his morning coffee, at his job, in his bed (ew...).Wherever he went, he was haunted.

Yes. He was probably pissed about the fact that she made $100,000 more than him and had a third of the experience. Yes, he probably wanted to crush her career under the pressure of rumors, both substantiated and otherwise. And we understand. We want to crush careers sometimes. For example, we wish only the worst upon everyone who's funnier and better looking than us. But that doesn't mean we'd let $700,000 pile up in our bank account while we funneled bikini-clad photos that aren't even racy enough to violate Flickr's TOS.

Sorry, Lawrence, given the choice between watching you drone on about murders and bake sales and watching Lane drone on about murders and bake sales, well, surely you understand. Yours is a vain and shallow industry. That's why you wear (wore) the make-up. You have always known that television news is about having a pretty-enough talking head up there to keep the peeps riveted to the tube while the speakers blast the same slosh every morning, afternoon and evening.

Oh and Larry: If you're going to try your hand at hacking, don't be such a newb that you get utterly pwned. Duh.

Image via Flickr user John_A_Ward, remixed with Fotoflexer.