CinePhillyist Reviews... The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Playlist Rewind: Shonen Knife at Johnny Brenda's
BalletX Fall Series Begins TONIGHT
Where Have All Our T-Shirts Gone?
Phillyist Playlist: 311 at the Borgata Event Center
My fellow Americans.
I stand before you today, at my computer, in awe and humility. When Barack first called me to be his VP, I thought to myself, "Is this just Dave fucking with me?" When he assured me it wasn't and he wasn't—well you could have knocked me over with a feather.
It is the dream of many an American boy to be President. However, very few dream to be Vice President. I count myself among those numbers, and yet here I am.
And here we are, standing together on the precipice of a new age. An age of ideas, an age of possibility, an age of unity, an age of Hope.
I didn't think I could actually say those words with a straight face. But I did. That is because I believe in Obama's message, his ability to lead this country and the $400,000 paycheck I will get when we are elected into office.
The question that keeps running through my head is: "why me?" Why am I, a balding 37-year-old father and husband with no political background, a degree in Theatre Arts, and an addiction to Project Runway the Democratic nominee for Vice-President?
I don't know.
What I do know is that this country is going to hell! Yes, I said "hell." I was going to say "heck in a hand basket," but that sounded too old timey and this is a new timey. A time of new dreams and new alliterative phrases like "persistence and power lead to progress" and "Obama, Obama, Obama."
Our country is sick; sick on oil, sick on jobs, sick on scandal, sick on metaphors and sick on lobbyists.
Obama is the "cure for what ails ya." He has sworn to not accept money from lobbyists and I wholeheartedly support his position. Lobbyists are an acid corroding Washington's esophagus of power. And like the excellent drug Prilosec from the good folks at Astra-Zeneca, Obama has soothed that painful feeling of influence so that we may get on with the business at hand, the business of living. And while Prilosec may rarely, but on occasion cause headaches, diarrhea, and dizziness, Barack Obama does not.
Many people ask, "Is Obama ready to lead?" I think the question they should ask is, "Am I ready to lead should something happen to Obama?" The issue as to whether Obama is qualified is faaaaarrr outweighed by my inadequate qualifications. Let me put it this way: I only know three branches of government.
But that is what our country needs. A fresh start with someone who has no idea what they are doing. I am not encumbered with knowledge or policy or laws. I go from the gut. My mother always said, "Trust your gut, it will never let you down." She would know; she knew when it was time to get out of all four of her marriages and I have every confidence she'll know when to get out of the fifth.
We, too, need to know when we should get out of our bad marriages; our bad marriage to Iraq, our abusive marriage to Iran, our negligent marriage to Afghanistan, our open marriage to Syria, our arranged marriage to China and our imaginary marriage to Canada (bad, but hot!). Bad marriages are unhappy marriages, unhappiness leads to resentment, resentment leads to infidelity, infidelity leads to anger, anger leads to loud anger, loud anger leads to yelling, yelling leads to a sore throat, and sore throats lead to a restless electorate.
As President, Obama will not let that happen. As Vice President, I will not let that happen. We will not let that happen. We cannot let that happen. We won't let that happen, we can't let that happen, we should not let that happen and we shan't let that happen! Not today!
Today is a new day! Today is a great day! Today I get to give my job two weeks notice!
God bless you and God bless America!!!
Image via Wikipedia
add to stumble upon
add to reddit
tweet this
post to facebook
Post a comment (Comment Policy)