Thanks for Four Years of Awesome
So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish
Blogged Around Philly: Farewell Edition
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Remember that advertising campaign that used to say that Philadelphia is more fun for tourists when they stay over? Unfortunately, a couple tourists from Missouri recently found out when Philadelphia isn’t so much fun. Namely when you get plowed over by a drunken South Philly douchebag when you are just trying to cross the street to see your hometown St. Louis Cardinals play the Phillies. One of the tourists, 53-year-old Cindy Grassi, died from her injuries, while the other poor soul, 36-year-old Sandra Wacker remains at the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania in critical condition with the most positive diagnosis stating that she could be paralyzed on one side of her body for the rest of her life.
However, the scary thing is that that’s not even what makes 18-year-old Joseph Genovese a complete and total asshole.
Look, Joey Genovese is surely not the first person to get behind the wheel after having a couple beverages. Heck, I’m sure there are people reading this (and writing this) who have woken up in the morning and wondered how they got home the preceding evening. I’m certainly not condoning it, but it happens and one thing you’ve got to do is learn from it and realize that you should never do it again. But here’s a tip: If you should do it again and end up running over two Midwestern baseball fans, please don’t talk about the incident on your MySpace page. And if you must talk about the incident on your MySpace page, at least don’t post your mug shot along with a caption underneath. And if you must talk about the incident on your MySpace page and post your mug shot along with a caption underneath, at least try to use spell-check so that you know you’ve spelled “Guiltyy” right.
Truth is, I’ve always assumed people with MySpace pages are losers. Nobody cares how many cyber-friends you have. Nobody cares that the person who inspires you most is Jessica Alba. Nobody cares about what venereal disease you got when you hooked up last weekend with that guy you had never met before. Check that, the 50-year-old child molester pretending to be a college freshman who is looking at your photos with his jammy in his hand probably cares a great deal. But of all the losers in the MySpace community, Joseph Genovese takes the gigantic loser cake. First, as mentioned, he placed his mug shot on the page with the question “Guiltyy until proven innocent??” Then there are the idiotic shots of the moron getting his drink and bong on, which will undoubtedly help sink him in court. Did I mention the mood swings that Genovese has been going through during this horrible ordeal? Immediately after his slaying-and-maiming extravaganza, he was “aggravated.” As of yesterday however, time was beginning to heal wounds and he was experiencing the one emotion that you should probably never feel after having killed one person and horrifically transformed another one’s life: “blah.” Hey, whatever, at least he spelled “blah” right.
The English author Samuel Johnson once said that “patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel,” but evidently Genovese has decided to go in another direction. He has decided to hide behind that other shelter for the morally bankrupt: religion. On the day of his arrest, his Internet faithful received this lovely missive from the beer-sodden jackass: “godd just needed to teach me the ways of life the hard way 2 set me straight.” That’s right, in order to give your sorry ass a lesson, God stepped away from his burgeoning career as steward of the success of every R&B artist ever to win a Grammy and made you drink a ton of cheap beer, get into a car and throttle a couple of tourists in the middle of Broad Street. If that is not enough, you are posting silly ass messages on the day you are arrested, you are spelling “godd” with two Ds and without the capitalization, and you are using the number 2 instead of spelling it out the way any other literate non-degenerate would do it. OK, maybe Prince would do it, but he kicks ass on guitar and has also never murdered any1.
In closing, a suggestion for Genovese’s useless MySpace friends. Instead of writing ridiculous jokes on his page, such as the one who said they are “never gettin a ride from youu again,” maybe try typing these words in: vehicular homicide, driving under the influence, involuntary manslaughter, simple assault, and related offenses. These are the charges Joey will be facing when he gets his day in court. Maybe if he reads them next to the photo he took of his speedometer reaching 105 miles per hour on Packer Avenue, he will realize this is not his own personal reality show, and it’s not an excuse to entertain his “friends.” Nope, it’s real life, and hopefully Genovese gets to spend the rest of his real life in a real jail…without access to a real computer. And as for “godd,” here’s hoping He guides this asshole into a cell with a very burly inmate and an even larger libido. I don’t know what emotion Joey will be experiencing at that point, but it sure as hell won’t be “blah.”
Image Credit: Flickr user moyix
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