For those of you who don't know, Larry Mendte used to do stand-up out in California. Now that he has some free time, maybe he'll pick up the mic again.

Man, we hope so!

Hey thanks everybody, it’s good to be here.

Take my anchor chair, please!

Seriously though what’s the deal with e-mail? Have you seen this thing? Apparently you can send letters and pictures over the internet. It’s true. Yeah, apparently you can also track someone hacking into your co-anchor’s email and forwarding embarrassing info to the press.

Technology. Who knew?

E-mail. The “e” stands for electronic and the “mail” stands for method of blackmailing your co-anchor. Am I right?

And this internet. Don’t get me started. Have you seen this thing? I don’t know what’s worse, the amount of porn out there or the amount Comcast charges me to view it. Either way, someone is getting screwed! Ya know what I mean? This guy does. Look at him. He’s a bigger perv than Ukee Washington.

Ugh, what else?

I’m married now, so I don’t date as much as I used to. Just kidding. I love my wife. It’s my co-anchor I wish bone cancer on! Did I say bone cancer? I meant painful bone cancer!

Anyone here ever been investigated by the U.S. Attorney’s Office? One guy. It’s always good when Milton Street gets out of the house.

Anyway, let me tell you something about being investigated by the U.S. Attorney’s office: It. Is. Awful!

They invade your home, seize your property, embarrass your family and worst of all, the worst part, the most humiliating part of it all: Law & Order makes an episode out of it featuring Tony Danza as you. Ya know what I am saying? This guy does. Welcome to the show Mr. Danza.

Okay, before I go I just want to say that it’s really great to back on the comedy circuit again surrounded by you beautiful people. I feel very lucky to be with you. It reminds me of an old Irish toast, because, apparently, I’m Irish:

May we get what we want,
May we get what we need,
But most of all
May my co-anchor get painful bone cancer.

That’s my three minutes! Thank you Helium! Good night!

Larry Mendte will not be appearing at Helium.

Image by larrymendteisnotacriminal.com