The Eagles’ single game tickets went on sale today at 10 AM. Birds fans across the nation sat white-knuckled at their keyboards staring at Ticketmaster’s website around 9:42 AM. Were you shut out? You’re not alone; here is a recreation of what happened…

There is a real science to this; should you try for the Atlanta Falcons game on October 26th? The Falcons suck; no one want to see the them play; their quarterback is in jail and the coach abandoned them—four tickets on the 50 yard line is a sure thing. Wait; maybe everyone is thinking that. You should use reverse reverse psychology: go for it all, the defending Superbowl Champion NY Giants in a Sunday Night showdown November 9th. Wait, don’t be an idiot, everyone and their mother will be clawing and scratching to get into that one. You should go with the Washington Redskins on October 5th. Good safe bet. So it's decided… go time.

You’re at work; you grab phones from other cubicles and set up a war room—a tangled mass of cords leading to your desk. Recruit non-sports fan co-workers to help you man the lines—tell them you’ll totally take them to the game (you won’t; they’ll forget). Each phone should be set on speaker and dedicated to a Ticketmaster hub in a different region of the country. Northeast—Portland, Maine. South—Charleston, South Carolina. Midwest—Lincoln, Nebraska. The Wildcard—Fairbanks, Alaska. No one would call Fairbanks; you’re a genius. Also, don’t forget to use your cell phone to call La Jolla, California. The plan is to get through around 9:50 AM and get a guy on the line. You need to stall, ask him about Cirque Du Soleil tickets for you and your fiancé in Vegas this summer (shh, you don’t even have a girlfriend).

This plan will have to be used in conjunction with the Internet, no easy task. First thing, log into your Ticketmaster account. Check your profile, make sure that the credit card on file is current, and check that expiration date. And, If you don’t have a Ticketmaster account at 9:50 AM you don’t deserve to go to the Linc, rookie. Have the game you want up on a browser, but DO NOT KEEP HITTING REFRESH. Doing so will boot you off the system. Be patient; hit refresh starting at 9:59:30 AM and continue to do so every 7 seconds. Also, DO NOT OPEN MULTIPLE BROWSERS. Logging into your Ticketmaster account in multiple browsers will also boot you off the system.

Ok, now shit gets real. What happens next is a complicated dance akin to the in-flight mating of bees or playing guitar and singing at the same time. You’re on the page of the game you want and you have the Ticketmaster rep on the line in Provo, Utah babbling about O at the Bellagio. Keep a close eye on the clock, when it strikes 10 AM. Bam! Stop him in mid sentence and say; “Actually, do you have any Philadelphia Eagles tickets for October 5th?” Sucker.

Simultaneously, type in the security phrase on the Ticketmaster website. They will be two totally unrelated words such as “tiger” and “strawberries,” written in a weird, warped font. Don’t screw this up, misspelling a word could mean certain doom. Ok, the guy in Provo is looking for tickets and the Ticketmaster website is giving you a status bar that says “Processing your request, waiting time less than 1 minute.” Provo rep says, “Nope, I don’t see anything.” You panic, sweat begins to run down your brow, a coworker shouts “I got four tickets for the Jets on August 28th! What’s your credit card number?” You yell, “No you idiot, that’s preseason! No one wants to go to preseason!” Provo guy says, “Sir, can I help you with anything else today?” Calm down, check the status on the website. “Waiting time four minutes.” Waiting time four minutes? How has the waiting time gone up? It was just less than a minute. Is the Ticketmaster system some sort of cruel time machine fueled by the pain of Eagles fans? Provo guy says, “Have a good day sir.” You yell, “No wait, check the Giants on November 9th! Hello? Hello?” You look at the computer screen, “We could not find tickets to match your request.” Damn it. Your boss walks by, “What are all these phones doing here?”

Thanks Philadelphia Eagles. Guess there’s always Stub Hub.

Photo from an Eagles-Pats (boo!) game last November via Flickr user Juan23for.