June 18, 2008
How Gay Marriage Will Ruin America
As a straight American man, I believe that the current ruling by California lawmakers to legalize gay marriage is a mistake that will ruin this great American nation of ours! Yet, as a straight American man, I am not allowed to disagree with what the liberal, New York, Hollywood, cheese-eating, French-speaking, Oprah Book Club Reading, media-istas say is acceptable.
Well I say "accept-a-BULL!"
What kind of country is this where a citizen cannot express himself freely?
So let me give it to you straight and American, man. This is How Gay Marriage Will Ruin America (in straight American list form):
1. Out-of-Stock Wedding Registries at Crate & Barrel
2. We Will Lose Our Standing as Divorce Capitol of the World
3. "Closer To Fine" as Standard Lesbian Wedding Song Will Bring About Resurgence of The Indigo Girls' Career
4. Have To Waste Time and Resources Finding a New Minority to Use As Campaign Wedge Issue
5. Father's Day Will Have To Be Renamed Fathers' Day
6. Mexico Will Make Fun Of Us
7. God Will Punish America By Giving California Earthquakes and Giving Boston The NBA Championship
8. The Legalized Same Pet Marriage Movement Now Has Momentum
9. New Jersey Will Act All Superior to Pennsylvania, Upsetting The Natural Balance of Things
10. Happy, Loving Couples Will Create A National Eyesore
I think I have made my point.
Image Credit: Flickr user cpj79
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2. We Will Lose Our Standing as Divorce Capitol of the World
10. Happy, Loving Couples Will Create A National Eyesore
Are you claiming that same sex couples are immune from the same issues that cause hetero divorce? That hetero couples are inherently less happy than same sex couples?
Where is your journalistic objectivity in this post? I can't find it.
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Umm... dude? It's a column. Journalistic objectivity is only valid in cases of reporting. Columns are opinion-based.
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Jay,
Are you seriously questioning the objectivity of a satirical post?
Well let me indulge you:
2. The US has the most divorces per capita (http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/peo_div_rat-people-divorce-rate); however in states that support same sex unions, the divorce rate is lower than in a non-supported state (http://www.exgaywatch.com/wp/2006/07/lowest-divorce/).Therefore I made the hy-sterical leap that as the number of our marriages go up, our divorce rates will go down. Hilarious!!!!
10. Yes I believe that the thousands of gay and lesbian couples now afforded the same rights as you and me will be very happy in public. Nowhere do I say gays will be happier than heteros. YOU inferred that and attributed it to me.
Finally, I am not a journalist, I am not reporting facts. I am writing a humorous essay, satire. I am poking fun at the foibles and narrow mindedness of others.
You can say I am not funny, but you can't suggest I'm not objective, because I have no obligation to be such. Shame on you for not recognizing the difference between journalism and satire.
Where is your sense of humor in this comment? I can't find it.