You know it's bad when the dry cleaning lady gives you a disapproving look and tells you she can't guarantee success on the first try.

REAL PIRATES AT THE FRANKLIN INSTITUTE
Well, sort of. Their historically significant stories and wares are on display over at the Franklin Institute. The exhibit specifically features artifacts from the Whydah, including a full-size replica of the ship. The show runs until 8pm tonight, so you'll have time to head over after work. But make sure you plan to pay for your souvenirs—no one will think you're funny when you say you were "just gettin' your pillage on."
WHO: Anyone!
WHERE: The Franklin Institute, 222 North 20th Street (map)
WHEN: From 9am to 4:30pm; From 5pm to 8pm
HOW MUCH: The first session is as follows: Adults $23.25; Seniors $18.50; Children (4-11) $17.50. The evening session: Adults $15.00; Children & Seniors $11.00. Save money—go later. Tickets and details here.

R.E.M. AT THE MANN CENTER
Do you feel like you're losing your religion? Or maybe you can't believe we put a man on the moon? Either way, you're probably likely to enjoy R.E.M.'s set tonight. They're not sold out yet, so get some tickets now.
WHO: Anyone!
WHERE: The Mann Center for the Performing Arts, Broad and Sansom Streets (map)
WHEN: 7pm
HOW MUCH: Prices vary (from $35 to $75), but the sooner you get 'em, the better.

PHIL MARTELLI'S DON'T CALL ME COACH
He is the head basketball coach at this Phillyist's alma mater and now, apparently, an author. In his Lesson Plan For Life, Martelli waxes philosophical about success and achievement. If his leadership on the court is any indication, he may have wisdom worth reading, or at least listening to.
WHO: Anyone!
WHERE: The Free Library of Philadelphia Central Branch, 19th and Vine Streets (map)
WHEN: 7pm
HOW MUCH:Free! Call 215-567-4341 for more info.

Image via Flickr user earcos, remixed with Fotoflexer.