Johnny Be Good

The 80s was a difficult time for me. I was away from home in a foreign country. I was young, inexperienced, sexually naïve and had a thing for homely men. It took me years to come to terms with that facet of myself.

I am a Homely Loving American.

I am neither proud nor ashamed of this. It is just who I am.

The 80s produced some of the ugliest bands the world has ever known: CULTURE CLUB, THE FIXX, BIG COUNTRY, SPANDAU BALLET, JOAN JETT AND (THREE OF) THE BLACKHEARTS, SIMPLE MINDS and MADONNA. But none were as talented or homely as the five men from down under [slight chuckle]. I am sorry, that was an unintentional pun.

I met with them on several occasions. The rest is a private matter between me, my family, the members of the band and anyone who read the liner notes on Cargo.

My wife and children have been put to the test due to my past dalliances with the recipients of the 1983 Grammy Award for Best New Artist; and they have passed with flying colors. I too have been put to the test, a test that I cannot pass until I am forgiven, a test I will not pass until Colin Hay stops sending me dirty pictures of himself.

I ask at this time, that you in the press give me and my family our privacy. I also ask that you leave MEN AT WORK’s saxophonist/flutist/keyboardist Greg Ham alone. He is the short blonde ugly one, referred to by one journalist as "the shrimp Barbie." He is a beautiful man (inside) and another unfortunate casualty during this crisis.

I hope that by coming forth, we can all move past this and get on with the job of government. To keep drudging up this filth is just "Overkill."

[Slight chuckle.]

OK, that one was on purpose. There will be no questions. I will report back to you in short order. Thank you.

Original photo by Flickr user lindsayg5218