Photoist
2:15 PM I’m in Rittenhouse Square so I’ve stopped at La Colombe for a latte. The line is long but moving fast. La Colombe is easily the trendiest coffeehouse in town. The air is sweeter here; I’ve heard they bring it in from France.
2:16 Wow! I didn’t realize there were so many rich, old, gay men without jobs who like coffee in this city.
2:18 I’m at the counter. I tell the barista I want a “latte please” and to ignore my typing on the computer while I am ordering—just working on a "screenplay." ("Then why aren’t you at The Last Drop?" his beautifully sleepy eyes ask me sarcastically.)
2:20 The latte is done. $2.75. It’s pretty inexpensive which is nice. The baristas are two guys and a girl with a combined weight of 85lbs. (Eat a biscotti guys! You are fine Miss.) The guys are prettier than the girl and the girl is pretty pretty. I have to admit, I’d have sex with any of them. That’s assuming they’d have sex with me. Which they wouldn’t. :(
2:21 I leave a dollar in the tip bowl. I don’t mind leaving a tip. These guys are working hard. Plus, you can never have too many $250 silk-screened t-shirts can you?
2:24 I grab a table near the window, so everyone can see that I am here, while they are not! I smirk at a baby passing by in a stroller. "I am sooooo much cooler than you right now, baby!"
2:25 The latte is perfect: hot, creamy, smooth. La Colombe makes some of the best coffee drinks in town. I hear they use only the finest organic coffee and the milk of the holiest of angels.
2:30 An older woman in a track suit, sneakers, make up, jewelry and fur coat comes in and talks about the workout she just had. She then orders the regular. I wonder if she says the same thing to her plastic surgeon every month. LOL!
2:35 This place is hip. I hear they bring the hip in from New York. Wherever it’s from, it’s working. I feel hip, despite my $14.99 Target brand tan cords.
2:36 A man comes out from the back. He is bald, creamy, smooth. Like my latte! LOL. Seriously though he creeps me out…
2:40 An older Romanian (?) gentlemen with long stringy white hair and wearing a scarf is lecturing a young African-American (?) woman who is listening intently. He is mesmerizing her. Either he wants to sleep with her or drink her blood. I am guessing the latter. Interesting (?).
2:42 I glance at the painting on the wall. Shit! Now I have to nod in appreciation, like “I get it,” in case someone is watching me.
2:55 A man with a Weimaraner comes in. Dogs are still allowed in La Colombe. He orders an Americano for himself and a Double Cappuccino for the man.
3:05 A dude in the corner is drawing a nude woman. Nude women are still allowed in La Colombe. The nude woman is eating a croissant and reading Proust. I get it honey! You’re hot and smart. Trouble is you are reading Le Temps Retrouvé which most Proust scholars consider C'est a chier. Duh!!!!
3:06 I’ve been here about an hour and I am still drinking this latte! It’s almost like it’s bottomless. Is La Colombe magic too? :0
3:09 A woman is sitting alone and intently studying what looks like a medical textbook. She is simple and unpretentious. What the hell is SHE doing here???
3:15 The bald man in the suit comes from the back again. This time he is eating a scone. It’s the scariest "eating of a scone" I have ever seen. He scans the room looking for something? An employee, a friend, a virgin. (Not here buddy! ROTFL) His eyes land on me. My liver starts to shake.
3:18 The man next to me is playing a cockatiel in chess. The man is winning, but not by much. Men playing birds in games of skill are still allowed in La Colombe.
3:25 Paris Hilton, Elton John, David Beckham and Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham come in. I can honestly say they are the least grandiloquent people here (including me because I use the word “grandiloquent”).
3:27 OMG the man in the suit just appeared next to me out of thin air! He is telling me that I don’t belong here and asks that I leave. He says I should stop typing immediately. I say OK, I just need to pack up…he’s grabbing the computer….
8:48 AM!!! WTF? I just walked out the door and somehow it’s the next morning! La Colombe is a magical place! So much so, it has its own freakin’ wormhole and warped reality (which explains the woman in the track suit). La Colombe is a fantastic place, but I don’t belong there. Sure the coffee is great, the people watching is fascinating, and the atmosphere is pretentious (I hear they bring the pretension in from another La Colombe) but in all honesty, I go because I like being amongst the beautiful people once in a while. Time for me and my Target pants to go home. My wife will be furious; not because I was gone for a day, but because I didn’t get her a latte.
Latte pic by Flickr user LWY.
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Can you get a Stranger there? That must be quiet the wormhole to merge Philadelphia craft coffee with Seattle snarky alt-weekly news.
Freaking hilarious. Thanks, Don.
Just remember, Don, you can't ever really leave La Colombe. A little piece of it stays with you forever, calling you home, for the rest of your life.
That is, perhaps, the greatest thing I've read all week. Thanks, Phillyist!
Aw man, I hate it when La Colombe drags me through its wormhole. So much lost time!
Great post--keep em coming!
Wow. Just a couple weeks ago, Editor Jill and I were kicking around the idea of liveblogging a trip to Starbucks. I'm so glad you did it first, cause this is far more outstanding than we would have done. Well played.