I Have Confidence In Me

Three weeks ago the Super Bowl heralded the end of another football season.

At least, I think it did. See I don’t really “get” sports. Trust me, I am all man (except for my partially formed superfluous vagina), but sports has never been “my bag.”

I mean I get the point of the game: two teams of guys try to get the ball either into some end-like sector or over some big pointy poles, but everything else, well, let’s just say I am "a couple innings short of a halftime."

Being a sports un-ficiando in a town like Philadelphia is a bit of a deficit. It’s almost like being a Regional Performing Arts Center in Philadelphia, although not as hapless. But I have found a way around my ignorance. It’s a very simple tool that has proven quite effective.

I deliver the most mundane sports facts… with utter confidence.

Let me set the scene: it is a bar on Sunday afternoon, say around 2:35 PM. I am sitting there “watching” a football game like an infant watches Law & Order, clueless, drooling and waiting for Sam Waterston to come on screen (babies love Jack McCoy). A burly patron, let’s call him “Sports Fan 1,” moseys up to the empty seat next to me and inquires as to how the match is progressing:

Sports Fan 1: How’s the game goin’?

Me: [mundane facts delivered confidently]: It’s the fourth quarter, second down. It was first down, now it’s second down. After this it’ll be the third. Then the fourth. [a horn blows] That’s the two-minute warning. Two minutes left in the game! But don’t let that fool you. There’s still a lot of football to be played, am I right?

Sports Fan 1: Yeah, what’s the score?

Me [looking at the mini-scoreboard in the bottom left corner of the screen]: Philadelphia, 21; North East, 14. The Eagles just scored a TD, i.e. a “touchdown.”

Beat.

Me: The “T” stands for “touch,” the “D” stands for “down.” Then they kicked the ball for an extra point. Worth one point.

Sport Fan 1: Who scored?

Beat.

Beat.

Beat.

Me: The black guy.

Sports Fan 1: Are you a sports writer?

Works every time.

Image Credit: Flickr user Chicanerii