Thanks for Four Years of Awesome
So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish
Blogged Around Philly: Farewell Edition
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I’m filling in for Ross this week with Asshole of the Week, and the honorable fossilized simpleton from Pennsylvania, Arlen Specter, is my selection for this prestigious award. This camera-ready attention whore, who is so desperate for air time that he calls up 610-WIP every Monday morning and eagerly reveals how little he knows about Philadelphia sports while the majority of the hosts' mics are turned off in order to stifle their stupefied laughter, spent this past Wednesday meeting with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell getting down and dirty about why Goodell destroyed the illegal tapes seized from noted cheater and sore loser, New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick. The meeting came on the heels of the delusional Specter stating that the destruction of these tapes was reminiscent of the CIA’s destruction of tapes depicting torturous Al Qaeda suspect interrogations. The guy who invented the Single Bullet theory out of the recesses of his furtive imagination now sees it as his job to question other people's reasoning abilities, raving about how all the Commissioner had to do was lock up the tapes to keep them from being distributed, which Goodell states is his main reason for banishing the videos to the trash compacter (make no mistake about it, Goodell’s excuse is probably bullshit, but who cares?). Utilizing the folksy, common-man charm that has allowed the Pennsylvania senior senator to be reelected five times, Specter waxed poetic about the American citizens’ right to “honest football games.”
Well, I ask you, Mr. Specter, is that what Americans really should be caring about? In case you didn’t notice, January’s Super Bowl XLII just became the second-most watched program in the history of the boob tube, after the finale of the television series M*A*S*H*. The American people seem to be OK with the product they are watching, whether it maintains the integrity Specter requires or not. But let’s be honest about this. Specter doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the integrity of the game. He doesn’t even care about the fact that Belichick’s taping practices may have cost the Eagles a Super Bowl. No, like most politicians, he cares about one thing and one thing only: Getting his sorry ass re-elected again in 2010.
Specter knows that there are people in this state who don’t know one thing about his voting record. They have no idea what his positions are on abortion or illegal immigration. Hell, the average Eagles fan probably couldn’t even tell you if he was a Democrat or a Republican. So he cynically throws out this watchdog poppycock, knowing full well that it will blow an assload of taxpayer money while accomplishing nothing but getting his devious, wrinkly mug in papers and on Web sites. Oh, and it will get him some votes from folks whose only connection to the man is his supposed love for the Philadelphia Eagles. In other words, he doesn’t just believe that the people who vote for him are stupid and uninformed, he actually counts on it.
Here are just a few of the matters that Specter should devote his efforts to if he really gives a damn about the welfare of human beings in Pennsylvania and the nation as a whole: an end to the phony war in Iraq; regulations abolishing torture during interrogation of all suspected criminals, terrorist or otherwise; continued progress toward curbing of practices that speed global warming; tighter restrictions on the sale and purchase of guns and other weapons in the state of Pennsylvania and beyond; and the deportation of all Grammy voters after they inexplicably gave Herbie Hancock a Best Album Grammy for producing a collection of smooth-jazz insomnia cures out of some Joni Mitchell tunes that were already unlistenable in the first place. These are the matters that require Specter’s attention, but, like the rest of the limp-dicked, power-tripping Congressmen who grilled Roger Clemens and Brian McNamee on the same day, he will assign these matters lower priority while wasting our time and betraying our trust with triviality. After all, none of this boring stuff will land him in front of a bank of microphones.
Arlen Specter is an opportunistic, grandstanding clown who, instead of aiming his self-righteous indignation at someone who actually deserves it (namely the impeachment-worthy George W. Bush and his literal partner-in-crime Dick Cheney, both of whom he let off the hook by roasting the notably Latino, and therefore expendable, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales over the politically-based firing of U.S. attorneys), uses his position to further his own selfish agenda and feed his herculean ego. He is also Asshole of the Week.
Image credit to Web site of United States Senator Arlen Specter.
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