Can't Miss This!

Today we have basketball, masturbation, and ancient, unrequited love. What more can we say?

YOUNG FRIENDS PROGRAM: GREATEST HEARTBREAKS OF ANCIENT TIMES
The University of Pennsylvania Museum of Archaeology and Anthropology knows how to kick it old school, especially around Valentine's Day. The most sacred of Hallmark holidays, Valentine's Day is a day which lonely people spend masturbating and couples spend, well, um, doing romantic stuff? Anyway, the Young Friends of Penn Museum are bringing ancient history (you know, like that time you woke up in that stranger's house after the one night stand, and they were already gone, so you never found out what they looked like?) to a modern audience tonight. With lecture titles like ''What Happens in Egypt, Stays in Egypt'' and “Lying Etruscan Gods and the Mortals Who Love Them,” it's sure to be a interesting evening. We stopped dating Etruscan gods ages ago because of their dishonesty.
WHO: Any interested human!
WHERE: University of Pennsylvania Museum of Archaeology and Anthropology, 32nd and South Streets (map)
WHEN: 6:00pm
HOW MUCH: $10 for non-members; $5 for members. Reservations are recommended, so call 215-898-5093 to make 'em.

PHILADELPHIA 76ERS VS. MIAMI HEAT
Basketball might not be your "bag." It might not "tickle your pickle," or "grease your skillet," but the truth is that someone has to go to Sixers games, so why not you? Thursdays can feel thirsty too, and, although your wallet will suffer the pain of a thousand tortures, a sports complex is a fun place to drink. Just be sure to get a cab home, drunky!
WHO: Anyone; 21+ to drink. Duh.
WHERE: Wachovia Complex, 3601 South Broad Street (map)
WHEN: 7:00pm
HOW MUCH:From $9 to $163. How gangster are YOU? Get 'em here

A READING WORKSHOP WITH JAYME WAXMAN
Don't let the innocent title fool you, ladies. Miss Waxman has compiled everything you need to know about masturbating, "from the history of masturbation to the mechanics," in her new book, called Getting Off: A Woman's Guide to Masturbation. She'll be doing a reading and a Q&A session at Giovanni's Room, which, according to their web site, is "America's World-Class Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Bookstore for Queers & Our Friends." Look out guys and women who prefer women, you had better educate yourselves, too, or face imminent obsolescence. The 5:30pm start time means working women will have a hike of it, depending on where you're coming from. Even if you miss the reading, you can buy the book from Giovanni's Room.
WHO: Anyone, but the material is specifically applicable to those with vaginas.
WHERE: Giovanni's Room, 345 South 12th Street (map)
WHEN: 5:30pm
HOW MUCH: Free!

Image Credit: Flickr user laffy4k