January 23, 2008
La Petite Mort Tackles KIC
Dear La Petite Mort,
I just got out of a relationship but I have been missing getting my "itch" scratched on a regular basis. I was at WCL a few months ago and I met this tall drink of water who doesn't mind being my human scratching post. But the more time we spend together, the more I think we might work as a couple. How do I make the transition from Girl Friday Night to Girlfriend?
Sarah in West Philly
Dear Sarah,
Step away from the tall drink of water. That is trick water, designed to increase your thirst while never truly satisfying you. It’s goddamned mirage water, don’t be fooled!
How do you make the transition? You don’t. You KIC (keep it casual) or you walk away, unless you want to get egg all over your face. Hope you like omlets:
You: So I was thinking maybe there’s something here.
Him: Where? On your face? No, it’s fine.
You: I meant between us.
Him: [Silent, blank stare]
You: Um, cause we’ve been spending a lot of time together, and having so much fun.
Him: I said I didn’t want a relationship.
You: But—
Him: [Insert lame excuse for quick exit]…so, I’ll call you.
Don’t hold yr breath waiting for that call. Don’t be that girl. Friends with benefits are just that. Usually these types have a creepy commitment issue that stems from some smothering or abandoning parental unit you’ve never met. That glass is totally empty. The mirage appears because aside from sleeping together, he’s kissing your forehead and speaking in “we,” and doing all the things that for normal people indicate relationship status. You’re forgetting, he’s not normal. He’s caught up in the moment. It’s that simple. So when he does something sweet, and you turn to look at him, remember—there’s a giant red neon sign over his head blinking, “Sex only. Otherwise, completely, infinitely broken and unavailable.”
If for some reason, you begin to forget this and feel yourself getting pulled into that mirage, don’t freak out. Call him up. Get all the orgasms you can. Then run in the other direction. Maybe you’re ready for a real relationship. Find someone with the emotional maturity to handle it/you.
And don’t forget to change his name in your phone to “Emotionally impotent” or “Denied the teat” some other quick reminder that you do NOT want to go there. Unless you’re bored and horny, and you know can keep your wits about you.
Image credit: Flickr user Olivander.
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That's a little harsh, Pencopal, no? I think it's quite possible that this dude (indeed, many a dude) could be a relatively well-adjusted individual, with every bit as flexible and as complex a set of emotions as Sarah herself. After all, she is one of "these types" as well, engaging, as many of us do, in the occasional casual relationship. Desultory dater, sincere suitor, naught monkey - there's a bit of each in the most interesting of us, don't you think?
Yes we all have those different versions of ourselves. But if the guy is stuck in casual mode, and she wants more, it's up to her to move on. And being mentally "harsh," as you call it, might be a way to move forward and not backward. I don't think she should call him up and play armchair psychologist. But if she does that in her mind as a means of stepping back from it all, I see no harm in that.
Oh pencopal, where were you six years ago? The headaches you could have spared me. Great advice.
Yeah, I'd say that's about right. Wish I had thought of the phone name-change thing... How about, "Do you really want to go there again?"? (Kinda long though...)
Oh, snap!
another quality mort!