La Petite Mort Ponders Percussion

Dear La Petite Mort,

Something horrifying happened during sex last night. Maybe it was the macaroni and cheese. Perhaps it was all of that pecan pie. In the immortal words of James Brown, "I don't know, but whats it ever I play, its got to be funky." And last night, it was. Right at the end of sex. It wasn't a silent but deadly, or even a cute little toot. It was a straight up, balls out fart so loud it rang up and down Second Street. Afterward, I pretended to fall asleep, and then I left for work this morning before I had to look my boyfriend in the eye. How can I come back from this?

Sincerely,

The Christmas Present You Never Want to Get

Dear Crappy Christmas,

Good Lord woman. That's the equivalent of coal in your stocking. I can only imagine the mortification you experienced, with your legs up in the air, feeling that gas bubble enter the exit. I bet your brain was screaming, "Sphincter don't fail me now!" But it did, and how.

The way you come back from this is by ignoring it. You never, ever, acknowledge it. You don't apologize, you don't act sheepish. It never happened. All you can do is plan ahead.

Here are five things you can do next time your tush decides to toot.

5. Get up, get dressed, and get the hell out of there. Send someone to pick up your stuff. Change your number and your address. And never, ever speak to him again.

4. Without skipping a beat say, "Was that you?" And when he denies it, tell him it smells more like his brand than yours.

3. Remind him, "But you thought poobutton.com was hilarious! That was just a little homage."

2. Go on the offensive with a Dutch Oven. Pull the covers over his head and make him marinate in it. When he finally gets his head out, look him in the eye, and yell, "Pwned!" You'll either have a mate for life, due to your audacity and giant size of your ovaries, or you'll get dumped. Either way, you'll have a helluva story.

1. As soon as it happens, start beatboxing as if your life depended on it, like Butterfly from Peeping Tom. Of course, this will only work if your boyfriend digs Mike Patton and his many side projects, specifically the one where a girl one-third the size of Rahzel beatboxes like she was born to do so. I've included the video above, so you can start practicing. You're going to need all the help you can get.