A Little Holiday Hate

4. The people in Liberty Place who stop dead in their tracks in the middle of the crowded corridor to look in their purses, totally oblivious of the fact that people are being forced to stand pointlessly behind them while they look for one of their umpteen credit cards – No elaboration necessary.

5. ATM protocol violators – Dumbass, why are you looking at your account balance? Just punch in an amount. If no money comes out, your ass is broke and you can get the hell out of the way.

6. Houston Rockets – Since I am boycotting Comcast and their monopolistic way of protecting their television product, I have adopted the Houston Rockets as my favorite team in the NBA. This is because they have Yao Ming on their team. I just happen to love 7’6” guys—I may be the only person in the city who remembers the Shawn Bradley era fondly—and Asian athletes—still don’t know why the Phillies never found a way to get Hideo Nomo—so Yao Ming is the perfect combination. Anyway, last night they got torched by the Sixers and their sorry bunch of has-beens, never-weres and future busts. And the misers at Comcast got one of their best crowds of the season. Total lose-lose scenario. I’m just glad I didn’t get to watch it.

7. People who think The National put out one of the year’s best albums – I’ll give you “Mistaken for Strangers,” “Apartment Story” and “Squalor Victoria.” The rest of the tracks are bordering on mediocre, and the five-track borefest that ends the album is an absolute dud.

8. Grammy voters – I understand that this is a popularity contest but here are the nominees for Best Album this year (keep in mind that Webster’s defines “best” as “exceeding all others in excellence, achievement, or quality”): Kanye West (that’s cool!), Amy Winehouse (huh, OK.), Foo Fighters (are you serious?), Vince Gill (what the hell is that?) and Herbie Hancock (he's still alive?). Look, I have love for Herbie. That one jam from Beverly Hills Cop was off the heezy. But these Grammy voters need to get their heads out of their asses. They have hurtled past the point of irrelevance and are speeding toward “have them waterboarded” in record time.

9. Oprah on the campaign trail – Because there actually are morons out there who would vote for the leader of the free world because Oprah told them so. Look, Obama may be the guy to bring us back from our current state of disrepute. Personally, I’m an Edwards guy. I think that Obama and Hillary would bring every red state redneck breathing free air out of the woodwork come November ’08 to uphold the conservative values of pointless war and ceaseless gay-bashing. But here’s hoping that, if the good people of South Carolina should decide to vote for Obama, it is because they believe he has the clearest vision for our nation’s future, not because Toni Morrison’s most famous groupie has a crush.

10. People who walk on the green light – The other day, I see some freak start walking cross the street, so I go to follow. Almost got flattened by a SEPTA bus. The moron just decided to take his chances with the oncoming traffic and, idiot that I am, I just followed suit. What is it with these people? Is it really so hard to just wait for the electronic permission to go? Is your time so important that you need to run out and pull a Frogger for the enjoyment of your fellow citizens? You will be allowed to proceed back to your monotonous, corporate livelihood in about 30 seconds. Find a nice place to stand and stay there.

Image credit to flickr user PixelManiatiK.