Are These Tits Really Inevitable?

You gotta wonder about Penn students (and alums too, as it turns out): they shoot up terrorists, steal panties, and now apparently they adopt other people’s identities and swindle them out of loads of cash. To be fair though, Drexel does share some part of the latter, seeing as one of the accused is still a student there. You all know what we’re talking about right? Because it’s in the friggin international news! So Philly is now best known as being a place where you’re likely to get shot up (don’t get us started on that), and a place that harbors scam artists the likes of which the world has never seen - at least not this week.

For anyone who has been under a rock, a quick recap of the sordid tale: Edward Anderton (that’s the Penn grad) and Jocelyn Kirsch (that’s the Drexel student) were living it up in a condo off Rittenhouse. There were electronics. There were trips to Paris and Hawaii. There were $2,200 hair extensions… oh wait, there never were hair extensions. One of their neighbors gets a call from a credit card company about a line of credit she just opened, and she’s confused because she never opened it. She calls police. A few days later the same woman gets a call from the UPS store saying she has a package from the UK waiting for her—that she never ordered. The cops were waiting outside when Edward and Jocelyn strolled in to pick up what was reported to be a stash of expensive lingerie. In their condo police found at least $17,500 in cash, various IDs and credit cards, and an industrial machine to make driver’s licenses, as well as a preponderance of IKEA furniture. Oh, and they apparently got some spyware onto the computers of some of their neighbors. Book ‘em, Dano!

What strikes us as particularly funny is that, since Jocelyn is still a student, Regina Medina of the Daily News could hop into the middle of campus and let the gossip flow. And flow it did (and does), in that endearing way of college gossip:

"This is a great day. I've been laughing so hard," said Ian Jacobson earlier this week. His best friend dated Kirsch, whom he called "very conniving. She kind of just stuck her claws into my friend and twisted his perception of things."

Also, as is the way with the college crowd, a Facebook group (“SHE GOIN' TO JAAAAAAAAIL!!!! (and THAT'S hilarious)”) has already been established.

But there’s something troubling us, something beyond the feeling that comes from realizing your neighbors could be casing your joint and installing spyware on your computer while you’re at work. That something is the focus on Jocelyn in all this. As mentioned, she is the current college student, so she’s an easy mark in that respect. But soon it came to this. As the title suggests, it was inevitable. But that doesn’t make it less questionable. We’re as happy as anyone when people, especially rich folks, get their comeuppance, believe us. And we’ve been wracking our brains for nicknames that are better than Bonnie and Clyde (come on now, that’s just opportunistic). But we’ve seen far more info on her than him (although perhaps he did get a nose job, and he apparently sucks as an analyst). Is it just because she’s an easier target, and has the better tits of the two? Daily Examiner is right on about it being only a matter of time before a sex tape surfaces, and for sure Playboy did already give this chick a ring. But… why do we care? This is apparently a spoiled child who thought she was better than anyone else. But Edward is, too, and he is not (at least not in the posts we’ve been seeing) being branded as a bitch… though soon he may be someone’s bitch.

Don’t get us wrong, we don’t feel sorry for either of them. See previous comment on comeuppance: lock them up and throw away the key. But it’s interesting that we’re getting a lot more deeply satisfying dish on her. In any event, we want a little more on Edward. He was probably a dick, right? So let’s have it. Let’s hear what color his pubic hair is. Let’s hear about a time he dressed down a waiter in front of the entire restaurant. We want to know if he ever threatened a hair salon employee with stalking. We want to know if his nose is real, and his tits, while we're at it. There’s gotta be something there.

The two are supposed to turn themselves in today; they are both out on bail from the first arrest, but they will be taken into custody again on different charges. Somehow we don’t think we’ve heard the last of this… though their Rittenhouse neighbors probably wish they have.

Image Credit: Flickr user miss_rogue