Monday Manners: Family Business

Divorce
There is such a thing as an amicable divorce. If your parents had one of those, then it probably won't be a big deal to bring up your stepfather when you're visiting your dad, or vice-versa. But if one of your parents is even a little bitter over the split, whether it happened five years ago or fifteen, it's best to warn your significant other not to add insult to injury by bringing up the other parent's newly-wedded bliss. It's possible that the less happy parent will try to get information from your significant other – but don't put your significant other in the position of having to answer questions about the parent who's not there.

Sexual Identity
Everyone knows that Aunt Dolores lives with a woman named Maud, rides a motorcycle wearing a jacket that says "Dykes on Bikes," and that her haircut isn't purely practical. But when the holidays come around, neither Maud nor the motorcycle are anywhere to be found, and Aunt Dolores is wearing pantyhose. Why? Because for Great-Grandma Fay, denial ain't just a river in Egypt. Warn your s/o to shy from asking questions about Dolores, Dykes on Bikes, or anything else that might give Great-Grandma an aneurysm. Above all, tell your s/o to avoid using the word "gay" – even if it's just a word in "Deck the Halls."

Alcohol
This is a big one: if there's anyone in your family who really shouldn't be drinking, tell your significant other who it is, and not to offer him a glass of wine, to hold the pre-meal toast up because he doesn't have a glass or wine, or to ask him why he's not having any wine with his dinner. Enumerating the wonderful qualities of said wine is also verboten. That's just like dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit, and isn't going to earn your s/o any points.

Quirks
Cousin Stu can tell you, Rain Man-style, the full line-up of every NCAA basketball team from 1987 to 1996. Uncle Rodney doesn't have an inside voice. Great Aunt Fan never wears her teeth anymore. Aunt Lou's boyfriend is also named Lou, but if you point that coincidence out, they get very, very angry. Grandpa Jimmy falls asleep at the dinner table – and snores. You don't take much notice anymore, because it's your family and you're used to it. But it's vital that you warn your significant other about these things, so as to cut down on the surprise factor, and to keep your s/o from stifling a laugh every time Fan says she'll only have the mashed potatoes, thanks.

Nicknames
My dad's name is John, but his mother and siblings call him Johnny. My sister, Katelyn, is known to our family as "Klance," short for Klancy. My dad calls me Gigi. These are important things to tell your significant other about, so that when you're at the dinner table and your father asks his someday-maybe-child-in-law to pass the green beans over to Leigh, whose given name is Emily but whom you introduced as Emmie, nobody's head explodes. I've seen it happen. Metaphorically, of course.

Proper Names
Along those lines, my paternal grandmother would usually rather you not call her Mrs. Ivey – you may call her Rosalie, or, if you're feeling particularly affectionate, Oma (which is what we call her). My maternal grandmother, on the other hand, usually introduces herself as Mrs. Levenson, and I've never seen her insist to any of my peers—or boyfriends—that they call her Arlene. If your significant other doesn't ask, you should do a quick briefing of who should be addressed how. You don't need to pull out the family tree, and if you forget and your s/o refers to your mother by her surname when she prefers that everyone use her first name, it's not the end of the world. But knowing how everyone likes to be addressed automatically helps your s/o feel more at ease and fit in better with your family. And ultimately, isn't that what you want?

Photo of a random family's Christmas dinner from Flickr user brooklyn.