2007-2008 Sixers: Meet the Stiffs!

• The Boston Celtics went out and picked up maybe the greatest player of the last decade, Kevin Garnett, and possibly the best perimeter shooter in the game, Ray Allen. And they kept Paul Pierce, who can play a little bit.

• The New Jersey Nets retained their trio of Vince Carter – who they signed to a multi-year deal – Richard Jefferson, and Jason Kidd, and will be getting underrated center Nenad Krstic back from a knee injury.

• The New York Knicks, when they weren’t sexually harassing female executives, lending support to a noted dog-killer/apparent role model for some Philadelphia citizens, or banging interns in the back of their oversized, phallic-stand-in SUVs, traded with the Portland Trailblazers for the rights to Zach Randolph, an automatic 20-point, 10-rebound power forward.

• The Toronto Raptors, who emerged from obscurity to claim the Atlantic Division last year, didn’t do all that much other than sign three-point gunner Jason Kapono away from the Miami Heat. Then again, when you have a young stud like Chris Bosh at power forward, two starter-level point guards in T.J. Ford and Jose Calderon, and an emerging Nowitzki-clone in Andrea Bargnani, you can afford to stand pat.

What did Sixers General Manager Billy King do this off-season? From the looks of things, eat Combos and catch up on his Netflix queue. So here is who the Sixers will be going to battle with this season:

Louis Amundson – I don’t really have a joke for this guy. All I know is he works hard, won’t contribute anything on the offensive side of the court, and is white. Therefore, the Philadelphia fans will love him. What is up with the Sixer fans’ time-honored tradition of picking at least one token white guy from every team that they have to cheer every time he comes in the game? Remember Erik Leckner? How about Todd MacCulloch? Kyle Korver even had this job for a while. But then it turned out that he could play a little and then they didn’t like him as much. It is a phenomenon to be watched, especially since the team has a couple other candidates for the job this year.

Calvin Booth – Can’t play a lick, but has been designated as a “terrific locker room presence” by assorted members of the Philadelphia media. What does that mean exactly? Is he a good breakdancer? Maybe he sings great karaoke to the locker room stereo? Or maybe he just has the most impressive shower “equipment”? Dunno. What I do know is that he is possibly the ugliest man ever to put on a Sixers uniform. I never thought anyone would push Tyrone “Skeletor” Hill for that title, but this guy has a fighter’s chance.

Rodney Carney – This is the guy who plays exactly like Andre Iguodala, only not as good. But for some reason King drafted him the year after he had drafted Iguodala. This was because he wanted to play more like the Phoenix Suns, only he forgot that Phoenix had one of the greatest pure points in the league’s history (Steve Nash) running the offense, while we had a guy who liked to shoot 50 times a game in charge of distributing the ball.

Samuel Dalembert – Fans and media members everywhere are on the edge of their seats thinking, “Maybe this is the year that this human pogo stick with the speed of a gazelle will put it all together and be the interior presence that the Sixers so dearly need.” Um…no. Every once in a while, he’ll play like he gives a damn, but most of the time he will sleepwalk, and he will almost certainly sit out with a hangnail for an extended period of time. That’s just Sam being Sam. Did I mention we have him signed up to a multi-year deal for more than 10 mill per?

Reggie Evans – This guy couldn’t make a layup with a tennis ball and a step ladder, but he will rebound the hell out of the ball. I actually think this is an underrated pickup since they only had to get rid of Dalembert-clone (only less motivated) Steven Hunter to get him. Then again, you never know when he is going to do something stupid to get suspended: This guy actually missed games a couple of years ago because he intentionally grabbed an opposing player’s balls in order to get better position under the boards. He is also renowned as one of the league’s most ridiculous floppers. So don’t be surprised if he takes out one of A.I. 2.0’s ACLs trying to take a bogus charge.

Willie Green – Don’t have any tremendous insight here. Just another guy who makes you go…“eh.” Every once in a while, he will do something to make you jump out of the seat. But most of the time he will drift through the game with as much emotion as H.A.L. from 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Herbert Hill – I don’t know what his skill-set is, but it will be seen on Comcast SportsNet about as much as reruns of Benny Hill. But he will look great on the bench in one of those NBA-mandated Armani suits. You know, because you wouldn’t want the players giving you a bad image while the refs are making money off the games.

Andre Iguodala – I don’t know if this guy is a franchise level player, but there is no doubting that he can play. He will give you athleticism, scoring, solid passing, strong rebounding, and will even defend the other team’s best offensive player. That being said, as of this writing, he was having trouble working out a contract extension with the Sixers, which could weigh on his play all year. You know, because King has given all the money away to Chris Webber, just so he would go away.

Kyle Korver – No doubt, Korver is one of the most feared three-point shooters in the NBA. Plus, his defense, which gets ragged on because it is in every sportswriter’s contract that they must rag on a white player’s defense, is not as bad as you think. He is active and he always gets his hands in the passing lanes. The problem is he could do so much more. Why does he feel that every shot he takes must be a three? He could up his productivity just by pump-faking every once in a while. Step in for the two-pointer. You are not required by law to chuck up fade-away three-pointers just because someone is flying at you. This season will be interesting if only to find out if someone has told him this information.

Andre Miller – Definitely an underrated point guard, but a little injury-prone. If he can stay healthy, he may just keep this team afloat for a while. If he gets hurt, Louis Williams is the back-up point guard…and you can flush the season and go back to watching World Series of Poker reruns.

Kevin Ollie – Should be retiring soon. Might not want to wait for that jersey retirement ceremony.

Shavlik Randolph – Will be interesting to watch, if only to see if his ankle falls off in the middle of the game, or how hard he plays in an effort to keep his “Favored Token White Guy” status among this group. As I mentioned, he will face competition from Amundson, but also from the third member of this feared troika…

Jason Smith – As you may have noticed from the billboard that was on I-95, this guy is young and tall…and white, which will afford him a major opportunity to become a fan favorite among the latently racist Philadelphia 76ers season ticket holder population. Will he conquer Amundson and Randolph for the prize? Or will the fact that he actually has a modicum of skills and athleticism serve as an obstacle in the race for Sixers Caucasian Supremacy? Pay to fortify Comcast’s ridiculous monopoly on Philadelphia cable and find out!

Louis Williams – For all those who miss Allen Iverson’s ball-hogging and failure to recognize that there are actually four other players required to share the court with him at any given time, I give you Louis Williams. Only Billy King would spend years crushed under the whims of a shoot-first point guard who doesn’t know how to play with his teammates, only to go out and draft an understudy for the same exact role.

Thaddeus Young - Do you really trust the organization that employs Billy King to develop a raw freshman out of Georgia Tech into a contributing player in this league? Good answer. By the way, do you realize that this guy pretty much plays the same position as Iguodala and Carney? How is he supposed to get on the court and work on his game? Ah, the Billy King era. Feel the cluelessness!

OK, I’m officially on snark-overload, so on to the serious prediction: These guys aren’t making the playoffs, but they won’t pull up the rear either. Expect something around the 30- to 35-win mark, and a hard effort every night. Mo Cheeks wouldn’t have it any other way, and at least that is more than you can say about some of the other shameless tankers in this league.

So sit back, enjoy the season and get ready for Saturday’s home opener against New Jersey at 7 p.m. Maybe the Sixers will win. Maybe not. As for the real competition, my mind has been made up. I’m with Team Amundson!

Image credit to flickr user (heart) Dani