Eagles: Two Minutes of Hell

Question: Why the hell would anyone play the “prevent” defense at this point? What exactly does this prevent? How many times do you need to see this dumbass strategy – which consists of giving up the little dump off passes to protect against the big play – fail before you decide to just go with WHAT WAS WORKING THE WHOLE FREAKING GAME? For the life of me, I don’t know why the Eagles would sit there and switch up their defense on the final drive. They are sitting there with four guys in the box, not getting any pressure on the quarterback allowing him to pick through the defense like a woman looks through a Bath & Body Works. Plus, what good is it to have seven guys back when no one on your secondary can make a tackle?

Don’t get me started on “strong” safety Sean Considine. I have defended this guy for the last two years because a) I think he makes some good hits every once in a while and b) as a Caucasian playing in an NFL secondary, he can use the support. But how the hell did he let that Muhsein Muhammad dude get behind him on a 15-yard route? We are not talking about a Hail Mary here. After the game, he is talking about how he couldn’t backtrack forever, so he needed to turn around and run, therefore having his back to the play. Dude, you are a safety in a red zone defense! If you were in the proper position, you wouldn’t have had to resort to flailing your arms around like a five-year-old caught in a Jersey shore undertow without his swimmies.

What kills me is how confident Griese was in cutting up the Eagles D. We are talking about a second-string stiff treating our team like the new guy in the cell block. He threw screens because opposing teams know the Eagles CAN’T TACKLE. He threw in the middle of the field because he knew the Eagles secondary COULDN’T KEEP UP WITH THE BEARS’ LOUSY RECEIVERS. Face it: the Eagles intimidate no one. They certainly don’t intimidate the rest of the NFC East (Dallas, Washington, New York), all of whom won games yesterday, further burying the Eagles in a division that is slowly starting to look like the best in the NFL. The good news is the Flyers continue to look great in the opening weeks of the NHL season. The bad news? I hate hockey. I would rather be eaten alive by rabid lemurs in heat than watch one minute.

While I’m at it, a few more questions for the Eagles:
1) Why do they insist on passing when all they have to do is run out the clock? Granted, the Bears should have never been able to methodically march down the field with less than two minutes left, but they would have had even less time if the moronic Reid would have just allowed his team to run it down the tired Bears' throats. Team MVP Brian Westbrook had six carries in the whole second half, a half that we started up 9-3. What the f*ck!?

2) Why didn’t we kick the ball to Devin Hester? I know the guy is Jehovah reincarnated and everything, but what type of message do you send to your team when you act like a bunch of cowards and don’t kick the ball to the dude all day long? Plus, you let the Bears start with the ball at the 40 every time. This is a macho man’s game...no, not the type from the Village People song, but the type who eats buffalo wings for breakfast and washes it down with a glass of Jack Daniels. By refusing to let Hester get the ball all game long, the Eagles sure didn’t act like it. Way to tell your special teams you don’t trust them to make a single tackle.

3) Can’t the Eagles get someone that can make a decent play on special teams? Watching the electric Hester…stand back there reminded me that we have nobody that can help us get decent field position. You know the Eagles suck when they are cool with just catching the ball. On kickoffs, Correll Buckhalter just seems to run headlong into the largest pile of tacklers, while Reno Mahe just fair catches, and he doesn’t even know how to do that right.

4) Isn’t it time to get a scrawny little weasel back there to punt the ball like everybody else? I’ll admit it, I thought it was cool when the Eagles decided to go with a 6’4”, 260 pound Australian guy to serve as their punter. I had pipe dreams of a returner getting loose, thinking he only had the punter to beat, and getting clothes-lined by the hulking Sav Rocca. Anyway, here we are, seven weeks into the season from hell, and not only has Rocca not throttled one kickoff returner, he can’t even kick the ball consistently. Granted, he would have been a hero if the Eagles had held up yesterday – his punt stranded the Bears at the three-yard line – and he managed to keep the ball away from Hester. But his other kicks were 21 and 27 yards, and I keep expecting him to pull a Charlie Brown every time he steps behind the line of scrimmage. I'm sure he does an awesome Rick Astley impersonation, but that is simply not enough.

5) Why can’t we, you know, score a touchdown every once in a while? Look, I love watching David Akers’ peculiar Japanese bow field goal celebration like everyone else, but it sure would be nice if the Eagles could get in the end zone once or twice. I’m tired of seeing McNabb throw behind receivers constantly (In fact, I’m tired of seeing him throw it over their heads or at their feet as well). I’m tired of seeing glorified scrubs like Reggie Brown and Matt Schoebel drop easy passes. I’m tired of seeing one of the most dynamic players in the game (Westbrook) relegated to the role of spectator when the plays really count. I’m tired of the dumbass holding penalties and false starts wiping out every decent play.

Really, I’m just tired of watching the boring-as-hell, less-entertaining-than-paint-drying games that seem to have become the Eagles’ specialty lately. At least, when they blew the game yesterday, it got my heart pumping. These guys go about their jobs with the demeanor of a funeral director watching Sophie’s Choice. Ironic. Because, if the Eagles can’t find a way to not blow a game next week against the Vikings, it might be time to check out the caskets. Rest in peace, Andy.

Image credit: Flickr user Blackett the First