Eagles Diary: Celebrate the Mediocrity!!!

1:10 – The announcers talk about how McNabb got sacked twelve times in his last game before the bye. The game was, of course, played against the Giants at the Meadowlands, the same site as today’s game. Hilariously, McNabb opens today’s game… by getting sacked!!! Did Osi Umenyiora get traded to the Delaware Blue Hens?

1:12 – 75-yard touchdown from McNabb to Kevin Curtis. By the way, if you were dumb enough to Tivo this three-hour time-killer, check the film. I swear the time clock had expired before the snap! Oh well, eff it. The Eagles are actually winning a game! Extra point makes it 7-3 Birds!

1:13 – Commercial for new movie The Comebacks. The person who greenlit this monstrosity needs to be sent to a Turkish CIA camp for some serious waterboard time.

1:14 – Today’s game is sponsored by Michelob Ultra. Ironic since, if I’m going to listen to 180 minutes of Sirigusa’s idiotic interjections, I’m going to have to be seriously plastered.

1:16 – Here’s a commercial for the Toyota Tundra where two huge metal girders come swinging at a truck to demonstrate braking and acceleration. Because this is a scenario that happens all the time.

1:17 – Man, if Chad Pennington was the guy who drilled Marcia in the nose in that Brady Bunch episode, I don’t think it would have even fazed her. When the opposing quarterback throws like your drunken uncle at the family reunion, don’t you think you might want to get some more guys in the box?

1:19 – Pennington finally throws a pass. Thank God. This guy passes less than Andy Reid at an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet.

1:25 – Jets miss 49-yd field goal attempt and the score remains Eagles 7, Ugly Ass Uniforms 3.

1:26 – Great. Not only are the Cowboys going to kick the Eagles’ asses this year, now I have to see a Pepsi commercial with Tony Romo, Wade Phillips, and Jerry Jones in it at the same time. To make matters worse, it is totally better than the one where Jon Runyan wrestles a truck.

1:29 – On 2nd and 6, Reid runs a busted-ass draw that gains zippo. That call was about as creative as the average Inquirer writer’s game story.

1:31 – Nice! A 25-yard completion to Reggie Brown. I’m glad he’s playing better. For a while, his presence on the roster was about as pointless as Al Taubenberger’s mayoral election campaign.

1:32 – Ew! Brian Westbrook just laid out some hapless Giants cornerback with an angry stiff arm that sent the dude sprawling. If he had been any more violent, the Philadelphia Police Department would have talked tough about him while doing virtually nothing to solve the dilemma.

1:36 – 20-yd field goal for Akers. 10-3 Eagles.

1:39 – All week, everybody said the only way the Jets could win would be if their special teams came up huge. Of course, Leon Washington just ran one back 51 yards for the Jets.

1:43 – 21-yd field goal made by Jets’ Ted Nugent. Eagles 10, Jets 6.

1:44 – Just saw an Allstate commercial where the Seahawks offensive line gets switched out in favor of a group of pathetic weaklings who get the quarterback killed. Finally, a team that is perfectly suited for Winston Justice’s unique skill set.

1:46 – Here’s the commercial where Roger Clemens goes back to the Yankees because his wife’s phone cuts out. After blowing 20 million to have an over-the-hill shadow of former greatness for half a season, the Bombers might want to upgrade the Rocket’s phone plan before next year.

1:50 – McNabb shows elusiveness in completing a 3rd and 3 pass to Curtis. His quickness has officially been upgraded from “cadaver” to “90-year-old grandma.”

1:52 – McNabb runs for a first down on 3rd and 4. In related news, a Republican chose to look at the world in a non-delusional fashion. These things just don’t happen!

1:54 – Damn, Westbrook is steaming today. He goes for a ten-yard run, then lowers his shoulder into Jets linebacker Jonathan Vilma, sending the guy flying backward. I’m glad someone else is angry about Radiohead only releasing their new album, In Rainbows, via download. Sue me, I LIKE CDs!

2:01 – Big TD run by Westbrook brought back by holding on Shawn Andrews. Just a word to Andrews: You might not want to eff around with Westbrook right now.

2:02 – What the f*ck was that? McNabb throws a screen to Westbrook when he is surrounded by the entire Jets defensive line. One more horrible decision like that and he might get a spot on Senator John McCain’s presidential campaign advisory board.

2:03 – Akers misses a 41-yard field goal attempt. He shanked that one farther right than Ann Freakin' Coulter.

2:07 – Jeez, another run and first down by Thomas Jones. This guy is running more than a Klansman who accidentally showed up at a Hip-Hop Summit.

2:09 – Today’s liquor of choice? Harvest Moon, a pumpkin ale from the makers of Blue Moon. Don’t know if I love it, but at least it is taking the edge off the announcers’ awkward phony camaraderie with Siragusa.

2:12 – Man, the Eagles should send the NFL schedule makers a gift certificate to one of those “massage parlors” they advertise in the back of the City Paper. Nothing is better for a reeling team than a heaping helping of Chad Pennington. Jets are punting again.

2:14 – THROW THE BALL AWAY! THROW THE BALL AWAY! THROW THE BALL AWAY! McNabb gets sacked. Jesus, the guy holds onto the ball like a Playboy Playmate’s phone number!

2:16 – Nice 17-yard pass from McNabb to Kevin Curtis. By the way, the Eagles’ best wide receiver just happens to be a Caucasian. If you think you can find a team that made it to the Super Bowl while being able to say that, good luck.

2:19 – Thank you, Siragusa, for the wonderful in-game plug for Fox's Web site. After hearing your insights during this game, I most certainly will be making an immediate beeline. Seriously though, that’s classless. Not ESPN-level absurd, but crass all the same.

2:20 – Two things that can be said about this year’s Eagles. 1) They ARE NOT very good and 2) They ARE very boring. I just took out my dog’s soccer ball so he can get some exercise and I find myself more interested in that than the game itself. I think this officially makes me an oldhead, but I will come to peace with it.

2:21 – Akers misses another 41-yard field goal attempt. This one was also as right as Ann Freakin' Coulter, and as botched as her latest horrific facelift. Mark down “field goal kicker” on the Eagles’ 2008 NFL Draft agenda.

2:25 – Man, I wish I could watch the highlights on the Fox halftime show, but Terry Bradshaw’s relentless blowharditude usually sends me into violent convulsions. So instead I listen to some of PJ Harvey’s new album White Chalk. I thought her last one, Uh Huh Her, was marked by depression, but this one takes it to a new level. It’s almost as if she was made to watch that new Brad Pitt Jesse James movie multiple times. That would do it to anyone. Seriously, her latest disc should place her on 24-hour suicide watch. A couple sample lines: “The devil wanders into my soul,” “these chalk hills will rot my bones,” “please don’t reproach me for how empty my life has become”, and “Ahhhhhhhhhh!” Actually, there’s a lot of “Ahhhhhhhhhhh!” I’m actually worried about the fact that I like it. Anyway, highlights include “When Under Ether,” “White Chalk,” and “Silence.” Peep it!

2:36 – Eagles start with the ball, and run a terribly designed draw to Westbrook, a McNabb throw behind Curtis, and a completion to Reggie Brown well in front of the first down marker. Now that’s Andy Reid football. PUNT!

2:38 – Here’s George Clooney doing voice over work for Budweiser. Hey, a couple more movies like the boring, humorless Michael Clayton, and this might become his day job.

2:43 – I took my eyes off my dog and the soccer ball for five seconds, and look what happens: he just ran into my work station and spilled pumpkin beer all over me. I look up just in time to see the Jets’ Australian punter uncork a lousy punt. These Australian punters need to stop drinking the Foster’s before the game.

2:48 – I like this Curtis guy. He is making a lot of positive plays. Sort of like Reggie Brown before he started catching up on his sleep during the games.

2:50 – I never thought I’d say this, but with Akers coming out for the field goal, maybe the Birds should go for it on 4th and long?

2:51 – Phew! Akers makes the 31-yarder. Eagles lead 13-6.

2:53 – Did I mention how great it is to see the NFL honoring the teams of former days by producing these old-school anniversary unis? (By the way, this sentence can also be read “cynically milking their fans for every merchandising dollar they can possibly get.”)

2:55 – I like these Miller Lite commercials with the “Commish of the More Taste League.” Too bad their advertising company can’t make Miller Lite taste any better than dirty bath water.

2:56 – Hey, here is a University of Phoenix commercial with a New Pornographers song in it! On the negative side, their latest album was so bad they had to reach back to Twin Cinema to find something suitable.

2:59 – Pennington throws a horrible interception to Sheldon Brown. I hope this guy looks good in a headset.

3:02 – Here’s Westbrook tearing through a hole and throttling another Jets defender. Wow, imagine how hard he would be playing if the Eagles were actually paying him!

3:07 – Akers hits a 25-yard field goal…barely. 16-6 Eagles.

3:09 – An innovative play here for the Jets: Pennington hands off to Jones. This guy’s arm must be more shot than the average scene from a Stanley Kubrick movie.

3:10 – Quarter ends. Eagles 16, Jets 6.

3:14 – Is it crazy that I am worried that we are only beating this pathetic Jets team in the high school knockoff uniforms by 10 points?

3:19 – First, McNabb is sacked at the 2-yard line. Then, he throws an interception to the Jets who take it down to the Eagles’ 16-yard line. Fox execs call to thank McNabb for keeping things interesting.

3:22 – My goodness. The Eagles just had nine defenders on the line of scrimmage. They have less respect for Pennington than I have for HBO’s original programming department.

3:23 – The Nuge drills a 30-yard field goal for the Jets. Eagles lead 16-9.

3:28 – First-down handoff to Westbrook for the Eagles. Who drew up the game plan for this debacle? Gen. David Petraeus?

3:29 – Perfect time for a 3 and out, Eagles. Thank God the Jets are being led by Chad “Don’t Want to Miss My Dinner Reservations” Pennington. By the way, Sav Rocca just uncorked a sparkling 30-yard shank. Is it too much to wish that this guy could run into an angry stingray on his next vacation?

3:33 – Huge drop by Lavernaeus “Hands of” Coles of the Jets. He had a ton of room to run! Could have been a tie game.

3:34 – Sean Considine goes out with some sort of shoe malfunction, triggering the announcers to mouth the words “replaced by J.R. Reed.” For Eagles fans, that is the second-worst four word combo you’d ever want to hear, coming in right behind, “yes, you are positive.”

3:37 – Just got back from taking a leak…in time to see the Jets pull off a 20-yard reverse. This could get ugly…

3:40 - …if the Eagles weren’t playing the Jets. Here is the Jets’ genius play-calling scheme on 2nd and 1 inside the Eagles’ 5-yard line: 2nd and 1 – Stuffed draw; 3rd and 1 – failed quarterback sneak by the soft-as-mashed-potatoes Pennington; 4th and 1 – Inexplicable, botched fade to Lavernaeus “The Human Spell Check” Coles. Who’s calling the Jets’ plays? Timothy Leary?

3:49 – The announcers waste three minutes talking about the Jets’ chances of recovering from their weak start to make the playoffs. Let me clue them in: the Jets’ chances of getting to the playoffs this year are about as good as Dane Cook eventually getting a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

3:50 – Westbrook runs for a first down to ice the game for the Eagles. Our hometown team wins 16-9 and all is well in Eaglesville…until I realize that, if they played this way against the Cowboys, they would have been beaten 77-0.

Image Credit: Flickr user SqueakyMarmot