Monday Manners: Chips + Urinal = Travesty

This fellow entered the bathroom. He surveyed the landscape. He noticed that there were three urinals attached to the wall. He realized that there was one man taking care of business in the one to the far left. He understood that men value their comfort and discretion while in such a vulnerable position. Yet, he chose to take the one next to me anyway. I realize that I may have more hang-ups than others in this department. First, if the opportunity presents itself, I will take the stall for urination. It allows me the utmost privacy, and ensures there will be no second-guessing regarding my process. No one will leave the bathroom thinking “Is unbuckling the belt really necessary,” or “Wow, do you really have to shake for ten seconds?” Then again, if there is a person at the urinal when I enter the bathroom, I will go to the least adjacent urinal because the last thing I need is for some guy to think that I thought they were some sort of freak who I would not want to stand next to with my business in my hand. Although I reserve the right to zip up and continue my activity elsewhere if they think they can talk to me while I am engaged in said activity. Still, I am not completely inflexible in this regard.

But let's get down to brass tacks: Failing to take the urinal that is in least proximity to a bladder evacuation in process is an unforgivable blunder. Any man will tell you this is a violation. I don’t believe that I have any latent homosexuality issues. I’m down with the “homie hug,” the abolishment of the buffer zone when watching a film with a male friend, and I even have no problem saying that Justin Timberlake can really shake his moneymaker. But can I please urinate without thinking that you are trying to take a gander at the equipment? Can I live in peace knowing that none of your liquid is making an inadvertent leap onto the top of my Doc Martens? Is this too much to ask? Well, the guy I shared a regrettably intimate moment with the other day thought so. However, as I have indicated, his indignity did not stop there.

So here this guy is, standing next to me unnecessarily. I’m staring ahead, just hoping that I can speed it up and get out of Dodge as quick as possible. The sound of his deep breathing is ringing in my ears like a Boeing 747. And then, this insufferable reprobate somehow brings BOTH HANDS up to his mouth so that he can reach into a bag, take out a filthy chip, and stuff it into his disgusting mouth. Before we get into the health hazards that this man is helping to propagate, I need to make sure this is understood: You know how you are always supposed to have two hands on the wheel of a car? Well, we need to erect another unwritten rule here. One hand on the penis at all times! An individual must always be in total control of his equipment. That is how accidents happen. You know how you always see bits of water on the ground next to the urinal and think, “Jeez, how could someone miss something this enormous?” It’s the person who is urinating with his hands on his hips, letting his little buddy sway willy-nilly and taking up valuable real estate in the bathroom.

Look, if you want to take up too much space, that is one thing, but "chips" and "penis" is a bad combination. I have no problem ragging on the person who needs to turn a door knob with a paper towel or flush the toilet with his foot because he thinks he'll avoid bathroom germs that way. After all, this is the same person who will then go to McDonald’s and order a Big Mac made from meat that spent a sizable allotment of time in some mad cow’s feces. But when you are consuming Herr’s at the urinal, it is inevitable that a percentage of splash-back from your bladder will eventually become Theirrs. Or Yourrs again, via your mouth. It’s like a vicious, biological cycle. Plus, let’s be honest, it is just not appetizing for me to think about the chip residue that is going to end up in your private region. Brings new meaning to the term "piss and vinegar," that's for sure.

I’m almost recovered from this traumatic moment in my life, but as you can tell, I am still reeling a bit. So let’s work together to make a better Philadelphia: give your fellow urinator some space and save the chips for the lunch room. Now if we could only stop people from talking on their Bluetooths while taking a deuce, we’d be making real progress.

Image Credit: Flickr user HeShi