By Bill Hayes and Pencopal

This week, the Renegade Phillyists are feeling slightly less hateful, but just as snarky. Think of it as haterade lite. So instead of picking people off one by one, we've decided to taze them.

Bill's To Taze List:
1) The people at Pitchfork. If you've heard of an album, they probably think it blows. I've been listening to the latest Tegan & Sara album, The Con, and I have been grooving! So I go to Pitchfork, and they give the album like a 5.6 (what is that pompous nonsense, by the way?). There are a few songs that I was like, "Wow, this is really great," and they wrote them up like, "Tegan's songs are trivial and juvenile, such as (insert song that Bill thought was awesome)." They rag on one for having "Phil Collins-like drums." I mean, who cares if Phil Collins used drums like that if it sounds good for the song? I’m not a huge fan of Mr. Collins, but Low-era David Bowie uses the echo-drum technique and he is brilliant; Phil Collins uses it and he is a tool? They are fascists, plain and simple.

2) That guy who gets into the seat in front of you on the train and slams his body into the back of the thing for....what reason exactly? Dude, it is made out of steel. Wham into my knee as much as you want; your chair ain't becoming a La-Z-Boy.

3) People who write concert reviews and give them minus points because the artist didn't talk to the audience enough. Can we all agree that the music should be the only thing that matters in a concert review? Not the artist's communication skills. If you want to pay someone to talk to you, go visit your therapist.

4) While we're at it, people who whine when an artist doesn't play an encore. The whole idea of the encore is contrived nonsense. Artist walks off and stands behind a curtain, people clap like sheep, artist comes back on and plays more music. Perhaps repeat, if the artist is really insecure. Why not just play longer and then everyone goes home? What's the big deal? So the artist can realize how much you really, really love them? The only time they care about that is when they are handed the receipts for the overpriced T-shirts.

5) Whatever sweat shop employees make H&M’s sunglasses. I just bought these things a week ago, and they are already leaving those humiliating green streaks in the area of my temples. When I pay $5.99 for a product, I expect to be able to use it for at least TWO weeks before it begins to brand me as a cheap ass.

6) Timbaland. If I hear this guy rapping all staccato on another release in the next two years, I am going to flip. The latest M.I.A. album, Kala, dropped a whole grade on my "nobody really cares" album-rating scale when I heard the final track "Come Around." You spend 45 minutes dropping science on life in Third World countries and wrap up the affair with a "Babygirl" booty-call collabo that Nelly Furtado would have deep-sixed? The definition of "buzzkill."

7) 5-0 on the way to shore. How are you going to hit me up for going 78 in a 55 when everyone else is blowing me off the road? What's more dangerous? Me driving at a higher-than-usual speed that matches every non-hooptie on the highway, or me puttering like a Grandma as a cavalcade of tractor-trailers pull a Cannonball Run to get around my slow-moving ass?

8) Cuba Gooding's agent. What the hell is going on there? What is an Oscar-winner doing in movies like Daddy Day Camp, Norbit, Snow Dogs, and Boat Trip? You can currently see him starring as "Wacky Sidekick" in Hanes underwear commercials with noted basketball player and piece of plywood Michael Jordan. Seriously, we need to help him out. Does every script starring a black dude have to go to Denzel Washington first?

9) Andy Reid's kids. This is pretty self-explanatory. Dude is too busy figuring out ways to not efficiently utilize the running game starting Sunday. Get Warren G on the horn because someone needs to regulate.

10) People who complain about "how hot it is outside" in the SUMMER. Luckily, these people will be appeased soon because summer is almost over. Of course, these are the same people who will be kvetching about how cold it is outside in the WINTER. Look, the laws of physics (or some other -ics) dictate that it is hot in the summer and cold in the winter so either buy yourself a permanent plastic bubble and get your Stanley Kubrick on, or deal with it and shut up.

Pencopal's list after the jump.

Pencopal's To Taze List:
1. Smart-Mouthed Baristas. Just because you're pouring coffee at Starbucks doesn't mean you should put on airs. When I double-check my order, don't straighten your Killers T-Shirt and tell me that when you say macchiato, "the caramel is inferred." It's only 8:30 am but you can still get slapped.

2. Any grown man riding a trike. Yeah I saw you, on the corner of Umbria and Leverington. Riding a tricycle, tricked out in biking gear, and attempting to look hardcore while waiting at the stop sign. You can never be hardcore. Tricycles are for children, even if you did put it on a rack and stretch it to adult proportions. Man up and get a two-wheeler.

3. Intermittent house rehabilitators. Look, I know you're fixing up the house next door periodically, most likely when you have the cash to buy supplies or to hire those friendly workers who leave 40s on my stoop. But can you not hammer and drill things strictly on weekend and holiday mornings at 7? Someone could get hurt. And it's not me.

4. The quizzo team at Deuce that I refer to as the Know It All A-holes. I'm so jealous of your quizzo skills that I'm dying to pour my $2 Magic Hat over the top of your collective skulls. "Do you want the character's name, the actor's name, or both?" I want you to shut the eff up. You're smarter than the rest of us. Obvs. No need to rub it in. Thank God for the NASCAR question. Trips you up every time.

5. The guy who gave the greenlight to half of ABC's new shows. Cavemen. Seriously? People thought the Geico commercial was funny because it was 30 seconds long. Not 30 minutes. Carpoolers? A show about the people who "rocket their way up and down the carpool lane every day." Riveting, really. Thanks to you this fall I'll have nothing better to do than sit around watching YouPorn.

6. Anyone anywhere who uses a metal detector, on the beach or elsewhere. But especially that guy on 3rd between Wildey and George. One may, at some point, see an open construction site and ponder, for a moment, what goodies might have been unearthed. But to actually obtain a metal detector and walk around the site with it? What do you have to tell yourself to make that okay? Good luck with all that rusty silverware.

Image credit: no-frills marilyn