Stephen A. Stiffed!

1) That all the people crying over the cutting of Jeremiah Trotter would save their tears for some other matter. Dear Eagles fans, Trotter’s bank account is probably larger than the gross national products of Luxembourg and Liechtenstein combined. I think he’ll land on his feet. (Editor's note: I'm not so much crying for Trotter as I am for the remainder of the team...)

2) An edict should be passed stating that homeless people should not be allowed to own dogs. There’s this one dude who travels the city accompanied by a decently sized Rottweiler. He ties it up to street signs while he takes naps, hoping that his companion doesn’t make a meal out of some terrified corporate zombie. Sorry, but if you can’t take care of yourself, you can’t have a dog. Pretty simple idea.

3) Anyone feeding the pigeons at a public park should be immediately seized upon and arrested. If you are lonely enough to appreciate the companionship of filthy, flying vermin, there is no need for you to remain breathing free air.

4) All Philadelphia construction workers should be rounded up and summarily lobotomized, with the replacement brain being one that has at least one ounce of civilization and common courtesy. Sure, I know there are some ladies that dress provocatively and walk past the construction workers for a quick jolt of self-esteem, but most would just like to go get their lunch without being informed about the quality of their posteriors. It is almost as if, instead of tenure, these guys receive compensation based upon number of women humiliated.

5) Hollywood, or Independentwood for that matter, needs to release a movie that I actually want to spend $20 to see. Seriously, the dearth of decent movies this year has been borderline depressing. How bad has it gotten? A second sequel starring Good Will Hunting is getting four-star reviews. The other day, someone told me The Bourne Ultimatum was great because, in the action sequences “you could hardly tell what was going on.” This is a good thing? Then this movie Superbad comes out and people are talking about it as if it’s Some Like It Hot. Dude, it’s just a teen-sex comedy. For the love of Stanley Kubrick, has the film industry lost all sense of creativity? By the way, there is a film version in the works for the comic book Thor, so the answer to that is clearly “Yes.” (Editor's note: Hey, I'm looking forward to that movie!)

6) The Phillies need to ditch their current uniforms and make new ones out of Kevlar and whatever Robo-Cop was made of. Can anyone stay healthy on this team? Just when I’m getting over Shane Victorino’s achy hammy, Michael Bourn’s rendezvous with the Chicago Cubs’ bullpen mound (get a new stadium already or build a bullpen in a decent spot. Nothing dangerous about a large heap of solid dirt when an outfielder is heading full bore toward a foul ball), and Adam Eaton going on the disabled list with a bruised E.R.A., Cole Hamels hurts his shoulder, either by pitching too much or straining too much while combing his luscious brown locks. What’s next? Jimmy Rollins tears his oblique running for a re-up of sunflower seeds? Tadahito Iguchi suffers an aneurysm while struggling to comprehend Charlie Manuel’s awkward attempts at speaking Japanese? Aaron Rowand misses a game because he hurt himself playing tag at home with the kids? (Oh wait, that one actually happened.)

7) People in Philadelphia need to stop killing each other for stupid-ass reasons. It is almost sickeningly hilarious that the other day there was a RECREATIONAL LEAGUE (!!!) basketball game played in North Philadelphia and the police not only thought that they should have undercover police at the game to protect against gunfire… but they were right!!! I’m sorry, but no one should ever need to get gunned down because he made a hook shot over your favorite neighborhood player. Meanwhile, here’s hoping that there is a special spot in hell reserved for the moron who blew away a kid on a bike because he didn’t get out of the way of his car quick enough. In this life, however, can we at least give him twenty minutes in his cell with a couple of Michael Vick’s most vicious grand champions?

8) Oh, and after his latest moronic speech, in which he stated not only that we should remain in Iraq fighting his pointless war, but we should have stayed in Vietnam fighting that lost cause thirty years ago, moron-in-chief George W. Bush needs to be impeached. Oh wait, if he was impeached Dick Cheney would be president? OK, Bush must be made to stay in office. This is the only way to avoid nuclear destruction of Dr. Strangelove proportions. But seriously, only Bush could draw a comparison to one of the greatest tragedies in American history and convince himself that he was doing it to cast his Grand Folly in a POSITIVE light. Is he back on the powder or what?

So there you have it. Eight wishes for ways that we can improve this city and the world around us. Just sit back, wait five days, and see how many come true. Who knows? Maybe Stephen A. Smith will write a report about it.

Image Credit: Flickr user kev.flanagan